Forever: Colours of Eternity
by SevenRoses
Summary: The Doctor found Rose after almost two thousand years - but will they stay together? Things are not easy if you bump into someone in the void with little chance of escaping. Post-reunion fic with a future incarnation of the Doctor. (For how it started, check my other stories: 'Forever: The Broken Fragments' and 'Forever: Nineteen Hundred'.)
1. Bluer on the Inside

_**Author's note: **__After Rose's and Meta-Crisis Doctor's dangerous venture in 'Forever: The Broken Fragments', after_ _running into the Time Lord Doctor in 'Forever: Nineteen Hundred' at the very moment of his regeneration, __Rose and her - now one and only - Doctor are about to start a new journey together. There is just one thing they completely forgot about..._

_English is not my mother tongue so please let me know when you find errors or when something just doesn't sound right. Reviews and comments are always welcome!_

_[Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who. BBC does.]_

_I would like to thank Bria for volunteering to be my beta! This chapter is now officially better than it originally was :)_

* * *

**FOREVER: ****COLOURS OF ETERNITY**

* * *

_Memories that linger in my heart_  
_Memories that make my heart grow cold_  
_But some day we'll live them all again_  
_And my blue moon again will turn to gold._

_"**When my blue moon turns to gold again**" (lyrics: Hank Snow, music: Wiley Walker and Gene Sullivan, as sung by Elvis Presley)_

* * *

**BLUER ON THE INSIDE**

'Rose?'

'Yes, Doctor?'

'Will you...' he hesitated. 'Will you want to travel with me... again? Will you stay?'

This choked-up and quiet sentence may have sounded strange if said by the previous incarnations she knew but it came natural to his present self. This new Doctor was so much quieter and more composed, so much less crazy. As if he had lost all his craziness seeing bad things happen, she observed. There was some shyness to his manner she had never seen before, and constant disbelief in his eyes that things could really be going the way they did.

In a way, it came as a relief to her. She loved the hectic crazy ways of her Doctor, her human Doctor, but she loved the Northern accent and blue eyes of her first Doctor just as well, and somehow losing the Doctor, the dear face she had learnt to love over the last nineteen years, and finding him at the same time, called for a line to be drawn. It was a beginning of something new, after all.

And here he was, her new Doctor, sounding so solemn and so different. Only the beaming eyes gave him away.

'I thought you'd never ask!' she smiled as she studied his features. 'F'course, I'll need to get to know you properly again!'

His face fell at her words. He had forgotten how hard it was for her before to accept his new face. She only saw it happen once before, and he could still remember her traumatized face when it _almost _happened again. This time they were given no choice: it was his third face that Rose knew. Would she like it? Strangely, until this very moment he never spent a second wondering what this new face looked like. In the circumstances they met, his appearance was completely irrelevant. Now it was beginning to matter. He looked around for a mirror, and not finding any in the console room, he touched his own face in the way blind people do, suppressing the urge to ask 'Well, how do I look?'

Rose was apparently struck by the same thought because she fixed her eyes on his face with renewed interest. A hardly visible smile lingered on her face: he didn't look like a stranger; he didn't talk like one. She couldn't exactly grasp where it came from but in spite of being a completely new man, he reminded her of both his incarnations she knew. Maybe she wasn't imagining it. Maybe he really _was_ all of them. The intensity she heard in his voice reminded her so much of the short-haired Northerner. And there was an unmistakable flicker in his eyes very much like the man's she had spent most of her life with.

He gulped, obviously nervous under her scrutiny.

'Honestly, though, you _are_ quite the same! You look different but you feel the very same Doctor!' she finally announced. 'I'd recognize you even if I didn't know!'

And judging by the soft glisten in his eyes, it was exactly what he wanted to hear.

'You know that you won't get rid of me that easily though?' she continued in a half-laughing half-serious tone. 'No silly excuses like worlds falling apart will do the trick this time!'

The moment she uttered the words, she wanted to take them back. It sounded reproachful. Well, maybe deep inside it was. But she certainly didn't intend to make him sad. For a moment, he looked like he was falling into pieces. Then he collected himself and that serious-looking new guy in him took over.

'Rose Tyler!' he said, pronouncing her name in his unmistakable way, almost as if he was tasting the sound of it. 'If you think I let you go that easily, you're so wrong! If I can't keep you, Rose, I'll follow you. Wherever it takes!' the fierce determination in his voice made her heart jump. 'And that's...' he hesitated, '... that's a _promise_.'

Rose didn't know why the word sounded so solemn. She didn't see the image that flashed through his mind, of a girl and a Cyberman hugging in a graveyard. But she knew by the way he said it that it was important. And she heard the TARDIS suddenly go quiet when he said it. Shocked? Amazed? Or merely trying to emphasize the significance of the Doctor's words? Rose wasn't exactly sure.

'Besides, we have a lot of time to make up for!' he said cheerfully.

'Oi, that was just nineteen years!' she teased.

'Felt more like nineteen hundred!' he retorted, and they both laughed.

It was not exactly a happy laugh. The truth was neither of them was quite at ease with the years that separated them, although each for a different reason.

Rose had to cope with his entirely new appearance and personality, something that always took her time to accept, and with the existence of all the people she never met. She only saw the glimpses in his memories, the saddest moments of loss and longing. They all mattered to him a lot, and they were his life and hope for the nineteen hundred years when she was not there. She would want to know all about them but knowing him, he'd rather keep the memories to himself.

When they first met, he was only nine hundred years old. Now the age gap was suddenly tripled. No, she corrected herself, it was not really an _age _gap. It was a _time_ gap. Back then it was all new and she was ready to accept him as he was. No expectations. Now, after nineteen years of ordinary, well, _relatively _ordinary human life with in Pete's world, she was a bit afraid. What if her human expectations scare him off? What it they make him unhappy? He was a Time Lord, after all. She hoped he needed her as much as she needed him, but he never really said it, after all. She might have been deceiving herself.

And there was all the sadness she could now in him, unhidden. Somehow she could see through all the covers now. It took her just one brief glimpse into his head and all the walls were transparent, no matter what he did or said. He hated his past, he was disgusted with his choices and he wouldn't want to talk about it. It almost felt like there were three Doctors: the Time Lord she lost, the human she spent half of her life with, and the new much older Time Lord she hardly knew any longer. Was she still part of his life, or just a faded memory?

She tried to reason with her doubts. When they first met, when he yelled 'Run!' into her ear grasping her hand, did she know him at all? _Was_ she any part of his life? She was no one. And yet, he invited her to the TARDIS and it was fantastic! So why give up now, when he meant so much to her?

She looked up at him, hoping to find some answers, and met his gaze. He looked away startled, like a scared animal, and Rose felt like crying.

The Doctor had to cope with the closeness, something that his Time Lord self was not quite ready for, and with all the memories that he thought were gone now flooding his mind and becoming his reality again. The moment he realised the life of the human Doctor with Rose was now _his _other timeline, he carefully locked it away in his mind and didn't dare to look. It was so intimate that he felt guilty remembering. He nearly asked Rose if he _could_ remember, if she didn't mind. He bit his tongue just in time: he knew it would make her uncomfortable. She wouldn't understand why his own memories scared him. He wasn't sure he understood it himself. He _wanted_ to remember. Looking back, he discovered the warmth of her body, closer than ever before, and the racing heartbeat, and waking up next to her, watching her face while she slept. All his forbidden dreams were there, shameless and revealed, and it made him cringe and want to run.

What if this new him makes Rose unhappy? He was a Time Lord and some things were just... too alien for him to imagine. He told her long ago to be careful what she wished for, but she never listened. She clearly thought he was worth taking any risk. The problem was he wasn't sure she was right. She was still human: too fragile to last. One of those things he could not imagine was spending the entire life watching the love of his life slowly but surely grow old and die. He desperately longed for her company but could he bear it, knowing that she would wither eventually? Although, he reflected, she was so beautiful when she had wrinkles! But seeing their time together run out slowly... No, he couldn't handle that.

But would she even last long enough for him to see those wrinkles again? His pink and yellow girl: a fragile human who could die at any moment when she was with him. Inviting her back to the TARDIS could be her death sentence. He _promised_ he wouldn't leave her but a few thousand years taught him he was powerless way too often.

He glanced at her furtively. She happened to do the same, and their eyes met. The sad look in her face made him want to cry, so he looked away quickly.

Then, almost on cue, they both turned their heads to look again. This time, neither looked away. They kept looking at each other across the console room, both full of doubt, and both trying hard not to show it. As they looked, hope began shyly crawling back to their hearts. Somehow, they both found it impossible to doubt while looking at each other. The Doctor was first to smile shyly. Rose's face brightened at his smile, and suddenly all fears were forgotten.

And just then, on that very moment, all the alarms on the ship went off at once. In the chaos of sounds and lights, the Doctor grabbed one of the screens and his face turned white.

'Rose...'

'Is it bad?!' she shouted through the clangor, holding on to a railing by the door.

His first instinct was to tell her it was okay. But that wouldn't do. It was Rose, not some scared stupid ape... Hectically entering some coordinates into the console, trying to remember the engineering of the dimension cannon in Pete's world and its targeting algorithms, and to combine them with what the TARDIS could do by herself, he answered truthfully:

'Very bad!'

'How very bad?' she wanted to know.

'Like in _we've-got-three-minutes_ bad! Hold on, Rose!'

'Oh my God,' she realised and her eyes widened. 'We were in the void!'

'We still are, and in three minutes, no, wait, that's two minutes... Never mind, there might be a way, there are still some cracks that didn't close. Hold on tight... just hope she does not lose her power while jumping... Hold on to something, Rose, if we're lucky...'

And just then, as he was saying the words, the TARDIS banged into an invisible wall and her door - N_ot again, please not, again! _he thought weakly - swung open.


	2. Colour of Nothingness

_**Author's note: **__After Rose's and Meta-Crisis Doctor's dangerous venture in 'Forever: The Broken Fragments', after_ _running into the Time Lord Doctor in 'Forever: Nineteen Hundred' at the very moment of his regeneration, __Rose and her - now one and only - Doctor are about to start a new journey together. There is just one thing they completely forgot about... the void._

_English is not my mother tongue so please let me know when you find errors or when something just doesn't sound right. Reviews and comments are always welcome!_

_[Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who. BBC does.]_

_I would like to thank Bria for volunteering to be my beta! This chapter is now officially better than it originally was :)_

* * *

**FOREVER: COLOURS OF ETERNITY**

* * *

_When you stare up in the empty sky,_  
_Can you see galaxies passing by?_  
_Have you thought where all this heads into?_  
_There's nothing to it and you ponder upon..._  
_What colour is the nothingness?_  
_What colour is the empty void?_

_"**Color of nothingness**" (by Kel'Thuz)_

* * *

**COLOUR OF NOTHINGNESS**

The TARDIS jolted violently. The Doctor realized something was very much amiss; the ship's behaviour seemed erratic. She could just be mad at him, he thought hopefully, even though he could not recollect doing anything to anger her over the last minutes. No, that was not likely after all she had just done for them. It could have been the algorithms he tried to enter into the console. Perhaps the idea was all wrong and caused a short circuit? But then again, it never happened to the TARDIS to choke on silly human science: if it didn't make sense she would just ignore it. If she was running out of power, she would do anything to give him time, so he could work it out. Unless, he realised with a sinking feeling, she took heavy damage in the process of healing him and Rose, and that made her vulnerable.

He gritted his teeth. He should have known better. He let himself get carried away. First, the happiness, then the doubts: all those regrettable human emotions had clouded his mind to what was important, made him lose precious time. But no more. Rose's safety, her life was at stake. Holding on to the console, trying not to get shaken off by the violent convulsions of the ship, he listened to the engines. The noise told him nothing... unless... He frowned trying to get to the ship telepathically, to make it out somehow.

What he heard robbed him of all hope. The TARDIS was screaming.

He looked around desperately, assessing the damage and thinking of something - anything - he could do. The screens were off and there was hardly any light in the console room now, except for some violently flashing emergency lights. The door was ajar, with Rose holding on to the railing just next to it. He shouted to her through the havoc to hold on, just as the ship hit into something: instead of stopping, he could feel her fall, inert and heavy, gaining speed, and going into an insane whirl. The force was so powerful that it made him lose his grasp, pushing him away from the console and throwing him against the wall - and throwing Rose against... no, not _against _but straight_ into _the open door.

For a moment, time literally froze for him.

He noted blackness behind the TARDIS's door: the utter darkness that made the mind shriek and panic at the mere sight of it. In the corner of his eye he thought he noticed something, like the blackness was torn by a lighting-shaped crack - _A crack in the wall?! -_ but he wasn't sure. He didn't stop to look. His mind was focused on one thing. Rose was sliding into the void. The battle of Canary Wharf appeared before the Doctor's eyes, but the image didn't last. He had no world to save, no lever to hold, no Daleks to destroy now. He had just _promised_ Rose... And now she was falling out of time, forever, and the whirling TARDIS would let her fall.

He steadied his mind, concentrating on the revolutions of the ship, and on what he had said to Rose. The wheels of time moved on, he almost heard a clock ticking in his mind, but he still saw it all in slow motion. It was a trick of the mind Time Lords used. The time kept running as fast as it always did, or even faster. It was his keen time sense, focused to the maximum, that let him perceive it in more detail. He could almost see the threads of time and space interwoven in a complicated pattern, like silvery gossamer around him. So delicate, so intangible. Focusing on the thread leading towards when and where he needed to be (holding Rose's hand as she was falling out of the TARDIS), he jumped.

Grasping Rose's hand, he wondered fleetingly how it would be. Would it hurt? Or would their consciousness just dissolve into nothingness? He struggled to draw her closer to his chest as they plunged whirling down. It was almost undoable but he was used to doing the impossible. And much more so when Rose was there for him. It should be fractions of a second now until they are out of the TARDIS's protection field.

Holding her tight, her heart fluttering against his chest like a butterfly caught in a web, he was overwhelmed by the relief and fondness she felt when she realized he was not letting her go.

'...wherever it takes...' he gasped into her ear just before the pitch-black darkness closed around them both.


	3. Red Red Grass and Orange Skies

_**Author's note: **__After Rose's and Meta-Crisis Doctor's dangerous venture in 'Forever: The Broken Fragments', after_ _running into the Time Lord Doctor in 'Forever: Nineteen Hundred' at the very moment of his regeneration, __Rose and her - now one and only - Doctor are about to start a new journey together. There is just one thing they completely forgot about... the void... and now they are about to discover what lies beyond it._

_English is not my mother tongue so please let me know when you find errors or when something just doesn't sound right. Reviews and comments are always welcome!_

_[Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who. BBC does.]_

_I would like to thank Bria for volunteering to be my beta! This chapter is now officially better than it originally was :)_

* * *

**FOREVER: COLOURS OF ETERNITY**

* * *

_The old home town looks the same,_  
_As I step down from the train,_  
_And there to meet me is my Mama and Papa._  
_Down the road I look and there runs Mary_  
_Hair of gold and lips like cherries._  
_It's good to touch the green, green grass of home._  
_Yes, they'll all come to meet me, arms reaching, smiling sweetly._  
_It's good to touch the green, green grass of home._

_("**Green Green Grass of Home**" music and lyrics: Claude "Curly" Putman, Jr., as sung by Tom Jones)_

* * *

**RED RED GRASS AND ORANGE SKIES**

The impact was just enough powerful to bring his consciousness back for a split second before knocking him out again. It took him several minutes to come to his senses again after he hit the ground. At first it felt like all his bones were shattered: it didn't hurt but his body felt like it was made of rubber. Then, as his nerves lost the numbness, his brain registered the pain. He made an effort to move, and his limbs responded, although with some reluctance. It hurt but at least nothing seemed to be broken. There was some minor internal bleeding, which he should be able to stop by going into a healing trance. And he had cut his cheek against something sharp.

Almost immediately, his brain registered something else.

Rose was not there.

A wave of panic surged in him but he forcefully put it down. _Scared_ could be a superpower but _panicked_ was not. Last he remembered they were holding each other, falling into the void. Now his senses, at least those that were working, could not detect her presence. He didn't feel any thoughts or emotions around, except for his own. He gulped. If they fell together, she might be unconscious, or even... He pushed the thought away before his mind even had a chance to inspect the end of it. No. His sense of smell assured him she was simply not there. After all the years together he could tell she was present by her scent, by the sound of her breath when she was asleep, and he would never mistake the feel of her skin for anything else, even back when his senses were mostly human. He didn't need to look to be certain that Rose was not anywhere near him.

But there was something else. Something that sent a cold shiver down his spine and made him stand up immediately, opening his eyes wide in spite of the splitting headache.

As soon as he did, the headache suddenly spiked and pierced through his eyes straight into his brain. The colours! The colours seemed to be burning through him.

They couldn't be real...

Before he knew it, he was on his knees, touching the grass and staring at in with an insane smile. Not just touching: smelling, licking, sensing its age, taking it in with any senses he could possibly think of. Then he lied on his back - _Ouch! It hurt!_ \- to look at the sky. All right, so he was most likely dead, he admitted with stoic calm, still grinning. But if this was the afterlife, that he ever believed in any afterlife, because actually he didn't... but if this was the afterlife, then he decided he was almost ready to change his mind about it.

But not before he knew what happened to Rose.

The moment Rose's name reverberated in his mind, his grin faded. He jumped to his feet. All of the places he could think of, could this be... Could this be...?

It was lucky there was something he could hold onto: a large stone, or even a rock just next to him. Because when he saw the scenery, he felt weak at the knees, and colour drained from his face.

* * *

It must have been the smell that first reached her consciousness: it was intense, a bit similar to lemon grass, fresh and fruity on the outside, but with richer and heavier notes underneath. She struggled to open her eyes and realised she was lying in the grass. She must have fallen asleep, obviously. The air felt warm: a perfect sunny day for a nap in the meadow. Except, she couldn't remember having a walk in the countryside, anywhere near meadows or grassy spots.

And she didn't remember ever seeing grass that would be red.

It was soft and velvety to touch, and very comfortable to rest your head on, almost like a pillow. But most of all, and above all else, it was red. Not the rusty red of autumn leaves, or ginger red, or orange red, but just the proper, deepest and reddest shade of red she had ever seen. And there were sparks of shine scattered about like dewdrops. Or tears, actually? Unconsciously, she moved her hand to wipe her eyes, and she realised she could hardly move. She felt stiff and kind of battered. She wondered how long she had slept: definitely long enough for her body to feel the discomfort.

But there was no hurry, not that she knew of. She could just as well stay here for a few more minutes. The fragrance was a bit dizzying and she wondered if it had anything to do with the tears welling up in her eyes. She blinked to get rid of them. When the vision cleared a little, she was surprised to notice that what she took for dewdrops were in fact tiny silver flowers.

She turned onto her back slowly, trying to overcome the stiffness of aching muscles, and gasped with awe. The sky was bathed in the bright orange light of two suns. Never in her life had she seen anything quite so beautiful and so overwhelming at the same time. It made her want to stay there forever, just watching the sky and becoming one with it. Time would not matter, nothing would.

She shivered with some unexplained premonition.

Something was wrong. Missing. Something around her but very close. Or something inside her? She took her gaze off the orange sky and made an effort to sit up. It made her tired and breathless, so she leaned against a rock rising out of the red grass. She must have lain in its shadow to begin with, but as the suns moved, she ended up exposed to the heat and that was why she felt so disoriented.

She looked around uneasily. She wasn't sure. Funny feeling, she knew how it was to have something just off the tip of her tongue, except this time it was just off her thoughts. She was missing something, her brain was missing something important but she could not place it, as if the idea was hidden from her somehow. Yet, it made her feel wrong.

This place was all wrong, it was wrong for her to be here, and it was very wrong not to remember.

She grabbed the piece of rock she was leaning against, held on to it and struggled to her feet. The rock was covered with silvery moss, some of which clung to her fingers, and left a clear glossy surface behind. She noticed the surface had been carved: traces of some ancient drawings - _No_, she corrected herself, _some ancient writing_ \- still remained. Circular uneven forms. How did she even know it was writing? It carried no meaning for her, and for all she knew it could just be some artistic doodles. Well maybe it was. People left all sorts of graffiti in places like this, just to mark their presence. This one looked definitely like writing. Either made very long ago and deformed by time, or made with a shaking unskilled hand, without proper tools. If this was made with a knife, it would have taken ages, and more than one knife to make. _Seriously though, unskilled hand? Someone had carved circles, dots and lines!_ She didn't know where the idea of unskilled hand came from.

A shiver went down her spine. She felt the urge to touch the writing. Nothing happened when she did: it felt like any carving in stone. Rough surface, irregular cuts. She was almost disappointed. Shifting her attention to other things, she inspected the surroundings from her new position.

The landscape was breath-taking. Sky-high mountains rising around her, casting deep burgundy shadows, and their peaks painted with streaks of orange sunshine. And sky-high buildings under a translucent dome far away, in the valley below. Almost like a painting, she thought. Admittedly, she had never seen such a scenery, not even on TV... Could this even be real?

Then she wondered how far the city was and whether she would manage to get there on her own. She wasn't afraid of hiking but it seemed a long way. She couldn't even be sure there was a path.

The problem was she felt lost. Not just lost in a place she didn't know: she was lost about how she got here, where she came from and what was going on.

It seemed reasonable to try to get to the city and look for some people who could help her get home.

Home? She wasn't sure she knew where home was.

As she made her first step on the narrow path leading by the precipice and, if she guessed correctly, further across a mountain pass towards the city, her uneasiness grew. It was not the fear of heights, or maybe just a little bit of it. And not the stiffness of her muscles. It made the path more dangerous but it was not what stopped her.

It was that funny conviction that she should stay here, at that silvery rock, carved with an ancient graffiti. That it was the right place to be.

Before she had more time to reason herself out of that silly idea, she saw them approach. Tall, majestic human figures. Well, human-like at least, she corrected herself. _Where had that come from? 'Human-like'? Like there were aliens in the world, or anything!_ She wasn't sure she was able to follow her own thoughts.

The strangers wore long robes or capes, and there seemed to be quite a few of them. Rose gulped and stood still, trying to look as harmless and friendly as she possibly could.


	4. Colour of Memory

**Author's Note:** _After Rose's and Meta-Crisis Doctor's dangerous venture in 'Forever: The Broken Fragments', after_ _running into the Time Lord Doctor in 'Forever: Nineteen Hundred' at the very moment of his regeneration, __Rose and her - now one and only - Doctor are about to start a new journey together. There is just one thing they completely forgot about... the void... and now they are about to discover what lies beyond it. __Alone in a strange land, Rose is about to meet the local people. She is not sure what she can expect: will she be questioned, or arrested for trespassing? It does not help that she does not remember how she got to the place. And the woman leading the group of locals seems to have her own reasons to be interested in Rose._

_English is not my mother tongue so please let me know when you find errors or when something just doesn't sound right. Reviews and comments are always welcome!_

_[Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who. BBC does.]_

_Huge thanks go to Bria, my lovely beta! _

* * *

**FOREVER: COLOURS OF ETERNITY**

* * *

_Memory_  
_Turn your face to the moonlight_  
_Let your memory lead you_  
_Open up, enter in_  
_If you find there_  
_The meaning of what happiness is_  
_Then a new life will begin_

_"__**Memory**__" (from 'Cats'; lyrics: Trevor Nunn, music: Andrew Lloyd Weber)_

* * *

**COLOUR OF MEMORY**

When the woman spoke, Rose did not understand her at first. The sounds were alien though pleasant to the ear. The woman looked like a leader of the group, middle aged, with an air of authority and haughty kindness about her. She seemed to be giving orders: Rose noticed the men listened attentively, nodded with reverence, and then scattered among the rocks. They never gave her a second look, completely engrossed with whatever it was the leader told them to do. They examined the ground and the rocks nearby, taking samples of grass and moss, apparently checking them for… uhm… radiation? Scientists, she decided.

The woman watched them work for a few minutes before she turned to those that remained. Their bearing was more military, and it was not difficult for Rose to guess they came here to arrest her. Military and robed? It didn't quite fit. Rose gulped. Their faces were impassive. At any rate, she was probably not supposed to be here, and she would have a lot of explaining to do.

When the woman spoke to her, Rose was a bit startled. The words sounded solemn, yes, that was the right word, but again Rose had no idea what the message was. She smiled apologetically, and replied in English.

'I wish I knew what you're saying but this is sort of, well, a foreign place to me. So I thought maybe you have some kind of device that would, uhm, go into my brain and translate?'

She said it before she realised how absurd it was. _Device that would go into my brain?! No way! _She didn't quite know where the idea had come from. It made her feel uncomfortable. Here she was, talking English to some robed foreigners, asking them for devices that only existed in sci-fi shows. If she was to get out it in one piece, she surely needed to do better than that!

Strangely, the woman didn't look surprised at all. She made a gesture that was most likely supposed to tell Rose to stay where she was, and turned to her military-looking companions. The command was short. Their expressions changed. They seemed to be upset by something the woman was telling them. And a bit hostile, or was she just imagining things? Not a military group, Rose decided. No soldier would dare make faces at their commander. Who were they, then?

The woman took no notice of the reaction of her companions. She merely hushed them with a dismissive gesture, which made Rose think she was some kind of an aristocrat. Then she turned back to Rose, touched her temples briefly, and moved back. _Is she saying she wants to get into my head?_ Rose shrank back instinctively. But then again, she reflected, if it was the only way to communicate, she could always close all the doors inside her mind, and let the woman in. Or so it occurred to her.

She licked her lip, took a deep breath, and frowning slightly, concentrated on not thinking anything beside the straight subvocalized sentences.

'Ok, come into my head,' she thought, and took the woman's hands placing them on her own temples again. 'I hope that helps! Just please, don't get into any place you're not supposed to, ok?' she thought before realising she was thinking nonsense again. 'I imagine you probably could,' she tried to explain, 'but maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. I guess I'll have to trust you.'

'You can trust me, little one,' she heard a reply in her head, as clear as a whistle. It was not really hearing, and not really a voice, but Rose thought she liked the sound of the woman's thoughts. 'Close your secret doors but please remember I will be asking you questions. You are a stranger here, an intruder, and we need to know what happened.'

'Um, yes, I'm sorry but I didn't mean to intrude, really. I think I'm lost,' she cleared her throat. 'My name is Rose, by the way.'

'I am the Guardian,' the woman nodded. 'We will talk here while my men check the site. The signal we picked up suggested there's been an accident but apparently it was not exactly what we expected,' Rose could swear she heard a note of disappointment in the woman's thoughts. 'Then you will be brought for questioning and the Council will decide what happens to you.'

Rose shifted uneasily. It didn't sound good at all. If she only knew where she was and how she ended up here in the first place. Her body was still aching and she noticed a few bruises on her arms. She was also getting hungry.

The lady paused and examined her face with curiosity. Then she looked back at her companions and said a few words. There was a short discussion, as not all seemed to agree. She cut the discussion with a curt gesture, at which they bowed.

'My people will bring you food. You must be starving. You have spent a few days here. What is it that you would like to have?'

'Some water, please! How do you mean, a few days?!'

The woman said something in her strange language and the military looking bunch left, taking the path towards the faraway city. Rose blinked. She wondered what exactly had been said. She really didn't mind them going. When they were out of sight, she sighed with relief. Somehow she did not like them at all. But it still didn't make sense to send an entire troop back for water.

The lady gave Rose an enigmatic look before she smiled.

'You were unconscious most of that time, little one. The signal was very weak. We thought you would die and didn't want to make it any more stressful for you. But you lived so you will have to answer my questions.'

Rose shivered at that matter-of-face enunciation. She was determined to be at least _pretend _she was not afraid but she wasn't sure she was up to it.

'Ask me. But I'm not sure I know what to tell you. I have no idea how I got here.'

'We will find that out, too. Don't worry, little one. Tell me about yourself. Who are you? Where do you live? What were you doing just before you woke up here?'

Rose sighed and leaned heavily against the stone. She just didn't feel strong enough to stand on her own, and the idea of being questioned by someone who was inside her head made her feel sick. To make the matters worse, she was completely confused. It felt as though her mind was lost in the mist, blindly scrambling for anything that would remind of a path. She couldn't fill the gaps in her memory. Almost anything she tried to concentrate on seemed hazy. She felt like crying, desperately trying to hide it behind a smile.

Then, as her hand touched the carving in the stone, she suddenly knew she could do it. Somehow this little thing, which must have been here all eternity, carved by an unnamed artist, gave her so much courage.

'Can we sit down, please?' she suggested. 'It will be more comfortable. I'm afraid it will take some time until we figure it out, 'cos I don't remember anything. So what did you say your name was?'

* * *

The woman insisted on being addressed as 'Guardian' and wouldn't tell Rose her name but other than that, she seemed very friendly. Although 'friendly' may not have been the right word. She was nice to her the way one is nice to a pet dog, or rabbit.

'So where did you live before, little one?'

'With my mum! Erm, no, wait, that was before before. I… I think... I guess I lived by my own.' Rose was surprised how little she actually remembered. _It's ridiculous, I must have lived somewhere, but I have no idea!_

'Where was your home?' asked the Guardian patiently.

_That_ was even harder to answer.

'Home?'

The Guardian stared at her very hard, and Rose thought it was best to be honest.

'I... I don't remember... it's like I know where it is in theory, you know, but when I come to think of it, you know, about it specifically, I can't see the details. It's like remembering a dream. You know what it was about but when you want to remember the details, they are not there. It's all twisted and empty.'

'Will you let me behind your closed doors? I may be able to help.'

Rose took a deep breath.

'No.'

The Guardian didn't look cross. Curious was a better word.

'Why not?'

'Well,' Rose sighed heavily. 'I'm not sure if I can explain that, but if something's hidden and I even don't remember what it is, how can I trust a complete stranger to look? I need to figure it out for myself first, and then decide if I let you see it.'

The Guardian nodded. Rose wasn't sure if she agreed, or merely accepted the explanation.

'So where _is_ home, little one?'

'It's where the heart is,' Rose replied. Then she realised she didn't _think it_ the way she thought all her previous answers. She _felt_ it. And unlike her thoughts, the feeling didn't try to escape. It stayed. This was how she felt about home. It felt so good, that she smiled involuntarily. 'It doesn't have to be _where_, even. It could be _when_, or ... or _who_, just any time or place, or person,' she wasn't sure why she was so excited about it, and why it was suddenly so important that she had to make the Guardian understand. 'I'm not making sense, am I?'

'You are making perfect sense, little one' said the Guardian with a touch of respect, and Rose sighed with relief. The woman was basically interrogating her, but it still felt good to be understood. 'More than I would expect from your kind. Have you lost your home?'

'No! Erm, I don't know. Um, maybe. But no, my mum is ok.'

Again, thoughts seemed to scurry away when she tried to collect them.

'You lost your mum.'

'Well, yes, I mean no, I mean…' Rose tried not to think. She tried to feel. It wasn't exactly easy. 'I don't expect to see her again but we said our goodbyes and it was… it was all right. Everybody leaves home in the end,' she explained.'

'You lost someone else, more important than your mother.'

It didn't sound right. Her brain told her she had not lost anyone. Definitely not. She blinked away the tears. _Must be the moss, or some pollen in the air._

'No,' she replied with full conviction. 'There's never been anyone. Well, there was Mickey a long time ago, but that's long over.'

'I can feel your heart cry, little one,' was it compassion in the Guardian's voice? 'Try listening to it and you'll know.'

'Oh but there was no one, really! You must be wrong. How... how can you feel my heart cry? I thought you were listening to my _thoughts_?'

'I can hear it from behind the closed door. Your conscious mind won't remember, but you've lost someone important. There are gaps in you, as if something was torn out of you. Look into them. Look into the gaps.'

'But I ...' but she wasn't sure any more. 'I didn't lose anyone. I was on my own. No, no! I think there _was_ someone!'

'Who was it?'

The more she thought about it, the more her head throbbed. It was almost like her brain rebelled against it. She sighed with resignation.

'I dunno. I must have dreamt it. That's why I can't remember. It always happens in dreams.'

The woman chuckled. Rose was startled at first. Then she realised that the chuckle, unlike their entire conversation, was a real sound. It sounded friendly and kind. It was slightly irritating to be called 'little one' but the Guardian seemed more and more like a nice person. She certainly wasn't as haughty as she initially appeared to Rose. Rose wondered if it could be a mask she wore in front of her countrymen.

Her idea was confirmed almost immediately, because all of a sudden the Guardian stood up with some sort of stiff dignity and made a few deliberate steps towards two scientists who were approaching them. There was a short exchange between them. Rose could guess the results of their investigation were not satisfactory and the Guardian was – no, _appeared to be - _quite indignant about it. Everything about her screamed she was a boss telling off her employees for their imaginary or real incompetence. She was so irritated that she barked some commands at the group, and the two started packing their tools immediately, along with all the other guys, apparently wishing only to disappear as soon as they could.

She only sat down by Rose's side again when the group was out of sight.

'All right,' she picked up the conversation, 'so you probably dreamt it. But how did you learn to close the door of your mind, little one? How did you know you could?'

'I don't know. It just came to me. I mean, it's kind of obvious, if you can walk into someone's mind like you did, surely there's a way to close the inner doors too?'

The Guardian smiled.

'I think someone has read your mind before, little one. Someone of our kind.'

'_Your_ kind?' Rose wondered what that meant.

'How else would you know _this_ was writing?'

Rose gaped at the carved circle on the rock the woman pointed to.

'I... I didn't. I just… well…' she swallowed hard. It was getting weirder and weirder. 'I just thought so, you know, it _felt _like writing. But then, it makes sense: it's circular, and it's on Gallifrey, so...'

There was moment of silence.

'How do you know it's Gallifrey?' asked the Guardian and even though it was mental communication, Rose somehow knew she said it in whisper.

Rose looked at her in complete confusion. The name was new to her. She could have sworn she had never heard it before.

Except she did, from her own lips!

'I have no idea! I swear!' she blurted. 'I just thought it's the name of this place, somehow,' her eyes welled up. 'My God, this is madness! I keep saying things, and thinking things, and they don't make sense!' She felt like a person thrown into the deep end who has just discovered she could not swim. Her mind was sinking, at least. Sinking into insanity. 'Am I… is this some sort of a mental hospital? Am I losing it? I mean…'

The Guardian took her by the hand. It felt strangely encouraging.

'You aren't losing it, little one. You are _finding _it. Just look into your heart. Your brain is trying to trick you, so don't look there. Your heart will remember it better than your mind.'

'Oh my God,' Rose realised suddenly, 'it looks like something's wiped my memory! I read about amnesia,' she added excitedly. 'People know all the things they knew before but don't remember ever learning them, or they don't know they can do something before they try!'

The Guardian reached into the folds of her robe and took out something that looked like a bottle, except that it was made of a strange material Rose did not recognize. She handed it to Rose.

'What is it? An elixir of remembering?' Rose's eyes widened.

'Water. You said you were thirsty,' came a matter-of-fact reply.

'But…' her thoughts stammered, uncertain how to interpret the entire situation. 'You sent these guys away to bring me something to drink? While you had the water all along? Guardian?'

There was a mischievous flicker in the Guardian's eyes. For a moment Rose wondered where she had met her before.

'Did I really?' asked the Guardian innocently. It was not just a flicker: the Guardian was all giggling inside at her prank. _Not wise. If they can all do the mind reading, they can find out from me that she was up to something. _The Guardian's face suddenly hardened and Rose wanted to bite her tongue, or rather her brain, for not controlling her thoughts properly.

'You see, little one, they wouldn't exactly be happy to hear an intruder mention the name of this planet. Especially when it's an intruder who got here through some temporal anomaly, a time accident, setting off all sorts of alarms on the way. So I guess it's better for you that I did. Now, tell me all you remember.'

Rose eyed the bottle suspiciously.

'I'm not gonna die, or something, when I drink that? Or, I don't know, tell you everything, like it's some kind of a truth serum?'

'You're not gonna die. Or something,' the Guardian replied mimicking Rose, but her eyes were warm and reassuring. 'As for telling me everything, that's entirely up to you.'

_Where have I met her before? I know I have… _The thought was like an irritating, stubborn mosquito buzzing in Rose's head.

She sighed and took a gulp from the bottle. It tasted a bit metallic but she loved it anyway. It had been ages since she last had a drink. She didn't remember ever enjoying a drink so much. It felt refreshing and it made thinking a lot easier.

'I did feel something was missing when I woke up here,' she said after a while. 'Just... couldn't quite grasp what it was. Still can't. It's all so close but when I reach out it's not there… But you said accident? Alarms? How come you didn't just arrest me on the spot if I was a trespasser?'

The Guardian's face fell visibly.

'We didn't quite…' she hesitated. _Why does she feel so familiar?_ 'It's quite complicated. The alarms indicated someone else. Then the probes patrolling the area showed us it was you, so there was no need to send an army.'

'Okay,' Rose accepted cheerfully. 'So at least I'm not dangerous enough to send an army to arrest me.'

The Guardian's expression changed at these words but Rose wasn't sure she was reading it correctly. It looked as though the woman was somehow disappointed, or even resentful.

'I'm sorry, Guardian, I didn't mean to say anything… well… anything hurtful.'

The Guardian shook her head, although Rose couldn't tell if she meant to say 'of course not' or was denying ever being hurt.

'Are you feeling any better, little one?'

'Yes… No… Oh, I don't know, it's still so confusing. You said accident. So it's like something's happened to me, and I ended up here with a huge part of my life just… erased? But how do I get it back? I... I need to have it back. I need to _go_ back!'

The more she tried not to think with her conscious mind, the more evident it became for Rose. She needed to go back, and she needed to go now.

'Go back where?' came a subdued whispered question.

'Home. I need to go back home!' she almost shouted.

'What is home for you?'

'I… I don't know. I'm trying to remember, I really am! But I just know I need to go back!'

She was really trying. She closed her eyes, brows furrowed, searching every corner of her mind. But the closer she seemed to be to the idea of 'home', the more obscure it seemed to be. Like it was hiding from her on purpose. The Guardian put her hand soothingly on Rose's shoulder.

'Don't rush it, little one. Calm down. You need to go back but not before you remember. Or you will lose your way. So calm down now, take it easy and try to think, no, take that back, try to _feel_ it. How did you meet him? What was his... what did you call him?'

Even though the Guardian tried to calm her down, Rose heard hesitation mixed with urgency in the woman's thoughts. The Guardian was the very opposite of calm, at least on the inside. And it sounded personal.

Rose slowly reiterated what she already knew about her interrogator. She came here because an accident set off the alarms warning the nearby community of someone's presence. It was supposed to be someone dangerous, someone they would send the whole army to meet. But it was Rose. Yet, the Guardian came for her, and sent away the soldiers, or the security guards, whoever they were. Apparently she didn't want the intruder questioned by her people. She must have suspected that Rose was somehow connected to the person the Guardian had wanted to meet. And while Rose was absolutely certain at this point that the Guardian was mistaken, she was quite happy to see that at least some pieces of the puzzle were beginning to fit.

Besides, she had grown quite fond of the Guardian in spite of the rather erratic turns in their mental conversation.

'Did you lose someone, too?' she asked softly.

There was no answer. Not for a long while.

'You are wise, little one. Very wise,' said the Guardian at length, giving Rose a disquieting glance. It certainly conveyed curiosity, and something else Rose could not define.

'I... I don't think so. I'm just... no-one special. You know, ordinary life: working, eating, sleeping, watching telly.' As she said it, she realised the Guardian probably _didn't _know. 'Used to work in a store until...' she trailed off.

'Until?'

'Until I… erm… I think I lost my job. I don't remember. Some kind of explosion and the store got closed down. I remember being locked in a cellar though, and something going on, something completely unreal, I mean, like such things just can't happen, but they did. I thought it was a silly joke. Except, it wasn't. I remember I was so scared, no way out, just praying, and then...'

'And then?'

_The hand that caught her hand and the voice with a Northern accent that yelled…_

…_"RUN!"_

The Guardian jerked back and looked around cautiously. Rose stared at her, startled.

'What was it, Guardian?'

The woman stared back at her for a moment, and burst into laughter.'

'You just told me to run. You sounded very convincing,' she explained with a note of amusement.

'No, no, I was just... remembering,' Rose fidgeted uncomfortably. Something at the back of her mind told her to close all the doors in her mind as soon as possible. And the shutters, if there were any, too. 'Did you see… anything?

The Guardian looked at her thoughtfully. Her gaze was really unnerving. Rose could almost picture herself running in circles stricken by panic, trying to build walls around her mind.

'No, I don't think so' said the Guardian finally. 'Did you?'

'No. Yes. I... I... don't know.'

Yes, she did. She realised it the moment she said no. The big blue eyes, the short cropped hair. The black leather jacket. The infectious grin. The firm grasp of his hand. Then her vision was blurred by streams of light pouring out of his body, and the face that emerged in her memory was different. And that was when Rose remembered everything: every single moment of the past twenty years flashed through her mind in a single second, leaving her dazed and struggling for breath. It was like an avalanche: a burden that was not a burden, but a quick current that carried her away, hysterically happy because she suddenly found what was missing in her, and fit into the emptiness in her so perfectly, making her complete; yet scared to death at the memory of their last moments together, frightened to think that what she was now remembering would never be anything other than a memory because the last moment she remembered was his arms holding her tight when they slid into the void. Before she could even think one conscious thought, she burst into tears.

The Guardian hugged her in a motherly way.

'You remember, little one,' she said.

Uncontrollable sobbing was the only answer.


	5. Crossroads in Red and Black

**Author's Note:** _After Rose's and Meta-Crisis Doctor's dangerous venture in 'Forever: The Broken Fragments', after_ _running into the Time Lord Doctor in 'Forever: Nineteen Hundred' at the very moment of his regeneration, __Rose and her - now one and only - Doctor are about to start a new journey together. There is just one thing they completely forgot about... the void... and now they are about to discover the choices that lie beyond it. You can never have all that you want: you have to choose. Which path will it be for the Doctor?_

_English is not my mother tongue so please let me know when you find errors or when something just doesn't sound right, either by PM or in a review. Comments are always welcome!_

_[Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who. BBC does.]_

_Huge thanks go to Bria, my lovely beta!_

* * *

**FOREVER: COLOURS OF ETERNITY**

* * *

_Had you been there today__  
__You might also have known__  
__How your world may be changed__  
__In just one burst of light!__  
__And what was right seems wrong__  
__And what was wrong seems right!__  
__Red: I feel my soul on fire!__  
__Black: My world if she's not there!__  
__Red: The colour of desire!__  
__Black: The colour of despair!_

'_**Red and Black'**__ (from 'Les Miserables' music by Claude-Michel Schönberg, lyrics by Herbert Kretzmer)_

* * *

**CROSSROADS IN RED AND BLACK**

A hurricane was raging outside, felling trees and breaking walls. He could hear it wail and roar, deafening him, hurting his ears and piercing through his mind. He could almost picture tree tops bowing to it reverently, begging for mercy.

And a child was left alone in the pouring rain, soaked and chilled to the bone by cold wind.

That was who he was. That was how he felt inside.

Except the fear inside him was not a fear of darkness or a fear of being laughed at. Not anymore. He was standing at the crossroads and whatever choice he made now would change his future. Once he chose the path there would be no turning back. The very thought made him shiver.

It had taken him some time to get used to the sound and understand what it really was. It sounded like leaves gently rustling in the wind at first: a soft murmur that seemed vaguely familiar. As his brain focused, delving into the depths of his memory, the sound rose to become more and more powerful, until it became a rumble pounding against his synapses.

He had forgotten how it was to hear their presence.

Cold chills ran through his body. They were all alive. He knew they were but knowing was one thing: feeling their thoughts reverberating in his mind after hundreds of years was entirely different. Something inside him jumped for joy: for once in his life he wanted to run towards something, not from it.

But he didn't.

He had dreamt about coming back home for ages. When he thought they were all gone, the emptiness in his head drove him mad. It was like a black hole inside him, swallowing and smothering everything bright and happy that came his way. When he found out how the Time War really ended, when he was no longer guilty, he still searched every corner of the universe and every moment in time he could think of in hope he would find them.

Now that he was here, it didn't feel like coming home anymore.

Now that he was here, all he could think about was that if Rose fell through time and somehow survived it, she would be trapped here forever, in an unknown moment of the history of Gallifrey and he would never be able to get to her. There was no meddling with time on Gallifrey. Laws were strict, and punishments harsh.

Leaning against the silver rock, his hand touching unknowingly the uneven carved lines, he thought for a hundredth time that it was so perfectly unreal.

After looking for Gallifrey for almost twenty centuries, after almost destroying the universe trying to find it, he was here. Just like that. Now was his chance to see his people again, and to do something for them. He never spoke of it but if he was lucky, he might be able to figure out how to bring them back in a safe way, in a time and place where Time War would not threaten the universe anymore. He didn't know the way yet but he knew he would come up with something.

Okay, he was on his own, he only had his sonic screwdriver to help him, but that was hardly an obstacle. He was on his own when he ended the Time War. Well, not exactly on his own, he corrected himself. There was more than one of him there. Still, falling through a crack in time could be a good start.

Why did it feel like a heavy burden resting on his shoulders? Why were his stomach and throat clenched?

He was a child left alone in the cold. A child too afraid to face his own fears, shivering inside, trying to run. Hiding in the most remote and forbidden places, where he could be himself. Where no one would judge him. Hoping secretly he would wake up to discover it was only a dream.

Maybe it was. He could sense there was something off about the place. As if the rules of time were bent.

Of course, this place had always had a reputation for being weird. That was why it was forbidden. He still remembered the legends older boys told about it in whispers. A mysterious, ancient place where forces more powerful than time itself were at work. Some of them told the stories to scare the younger kids. For others it was thrilling to come here in secret, and then boast of the imaginary dangers that awaited them here, even if no-one believed their tales. Grownups always laughed at such things and called you silly if you asked. But the tales still circulated. He still remembered the goose bumps on his skin when he wandered in here by accident and discovered where he was. Reading the old graffiti was like tasting a forbidden fruit and touching the past that was beyond limits. He often came here after that, and every time he came, he found some new graffiti on the stones and rocks: drawings, carvings, sometimes just sticks and grass made to look like writing. Most of them simply said "I was here". He smiled faintly when his eyes rested on the rock overgrown with silver moss. Time and weather had made some of the drawings disappear but some remained, witnesses to the legend of the mountain.

Of all places, he thought again, it had to be this one.

But the sensation he experienced was different than he remembered: it was not the goose bumps of excitement for being in a place you were not supposed to visit. It was much more than that. The time seemed to be gently curved in the area, twisting into a shape it should not be taking. Not on Gallifrey at least. It almost seemed to be a sort of temporal anomaly. It could have been created by accident, or be a side effect of removing Gallifrey from its position in time and place at the very end of the Time War. Or it could have always existed here, too delicate to detect but leaving its mark on the subconscious of those who came here, giving rise to the legends and stories about ancient rituals.

But even with the goose bumps and the scary stories, it was one of his secret hideouts. A place where fear was not humiliating and tears were allowed.

Perhaps it was not a coincidence at all?

He carefully closed all the barriers, hushing the voices in his head. The silence caused him almost physical pain and made him clench his teeth. Still, it was necessary. Nobody should know he was there. It was rather lucky there was no welcoming committee (yet another reason to believe it was a dream) but he was not going to take any more chances. He needed to figure it out on his own, and then to face his worst fear.

The fear of looking into his own hearts and deciding, once and for all, what was the most important thing for him. No more running. No more ducking the question. Whether in a dream or in reality, now was the time to face it.

The time and the place.

He could stay here, among his own people. He knew they would not exactly be happy about his sudden arrival, or about anything he had done. He knew he would have to argue his way out of trouble or suffer the consequences of being what he was. But they were his people. He belonged here. There were some he really missed and seeing them again would be… Well, then, in time, he would figure out the way of bringing Gallifrey back to the world. Back to its former glory. He would definitely need to reform the rules a little but he had no doubt he could do that. Not by much, they were not flexible enough, but there was always hope.

Not for Rose, though. If she was still alive, would spend the rest of her short human life here: as a prisoner, as a guest, whatever they decided. And if his suspicions about what happened were correct, they would probably never see each other again.

Or he could choose to search for Rose and to find a way take her out of here to a place where _she _belonged. He knew… no, he _hoped_ he could do it.

But it was not likely he would find Gallifrey again. It might be different if the TARDIS had been here with him. If all her circuits were in order, she would perhaps be able to register the coordinates, although coming from the void it was not so sure. And anyway, she was not here, making everything so much more complicated. The chances of ever leaving Gallifrey, whether with Rose or on his own, were rather slim. And not just because of the TARDIS, he admitted reluctantly.

Then he remembered something back from Pete's world that made his heart jump with excitement._ If_ Rose still had it... His thoughts trailed off.

Two paths led from this point into the future. He could only take one.

The millions of years of Gallifrey against the nineteen years of his human memories. Or was it against the nineteen hundred years of his Time Lord history without Rose?

Holding the sonic screwdriver firmly in his hand, he wiped a tear off his cheek. Either way, this was going to be a goodbye. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. He just hoped he would not be a coward and he would be able to make the choice.

Yes, he thought, this was definitely the right place to make it.


	6. Ghosts of the Future, Ghosts of the Past

**Author's Note:** _After Rose's and Meta-Crisis Doctor's dangerous venture in 'Forever: The Broken Fragments', after_ _running into the Time Lord Doctor in 'Forever: Nineteen Hundred' at the very moment of his regeneration, __Rose and her - now one and only - Doctor are about to start a new journey together. There is just one thing they completely forgot about... the void... and now they are about to discover the choices that lie beyond it. The choices centered around a very strange place. Is it even real?_

_English is not my mother tongue so please let me know when you find errors or when something just doesn't sound right, either by PM or in a review. Comments are always welcome!_

_[Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who. BBC does.]_

_Huge thanks go to Bria, my lovely beta!_

* * *

**FOREVER: COLOURS OF ETERNITY**

* * *

_Promise me, when you see,  
a white rose, you'll think of me  
I love you so,  
Never let go,  
I will be your ghost of a rose..._

_(Blackmore's Night__** "Ghost of a Rose**__"; music and lyrics: Richie Blackmore/Candice Night)_

* * *

**GHOSTS OF THE FUTURE, GHOSTS OF THE PAST**

'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,' the Guardian's voice seemed to envelope Rose in a tender embrace.

Somehow, it reminded Rose of her mother. The good side of Jackie that only shone through in the darkest moments, when nothing could be done, and the only thing a mother could offer was her silent presence. It was comforting to feel that silent presence now, forgetting for a moment that it was some stranger from a long-dead planet, and not her real mother.

The Guardian withdrew quietly from her mind, waiting for Rose to be able to talk again.

'Sorry,' Rose tried to pull herself together, wiping her eyes awkwardly in her sleeve. 'It's just, it's because…'

'It's all right, little one,' the woman's voice in Rose's mind was warm. 'It's all right to cry when you lose someone.'

'I haven't lost him,' Rose protested firmly, vaguely aware that her cracking voice told a completely different story. 'S'just that I'm scared. When I think of all I can lose, I'm so scared. And this planet, well, it's just crazy,' she glanced at the Guardian for signs of understanding but the woman's face was inscrutable. 'The thing is, you asked me how I came to be here. Well now that I remember everything, I think I shouldn't… well… I shouldn't really tell you…' she stumbled, uncertain how to explain her reasons without revealing what she knew.

If any of this was real, she must have somehow landed on Gallifrey before the Time War. Any hint of what Rose knew about the planet's future, anything the Doctor ever told her, might change the course of the future. Not necessarily for the better, though. It took a Time Lord to see the possible outcomes and Rose decided it was better to keep her knowledge to herself.

The Guardian stiffened a little at Rose's refusal, and a steely glint appeared in her eyes. The moment of closeness was gone and Rose shivered involuntarily. She realised one thing she had overlooked so far. The Guardian was a Time Lady. A powerful creature Rose knew nothing about. So far she had only met one Time Lord…

She stopped herself from thinking about it, just in time to keep the Doctor's image away from her conscious thoughts. It was quite difficult to keep her own thoughts in check and Rose felt quite exhausted by now.

The Guardian sighed. Not like a Time Lady at all. Like a very tired person.

'In any other circumstances, you would be right, little one. But here and now it doesn't matter. It would if you could get back home, wherever your home is. But not on Gallifrey, not anymore. We can talk. It won't change anything.'

It took a moment before Rose grasped the full meaning of what the Guardian was trying to tell her. It would matter _if_ she could get back home? She shivered involuntarily and opened her mouth to protest. Then she remembered it was only a mental conversation. She tried to think of what she could say, and found herself staring into the Guardian's eyes.

The eyes were old, and incredibly sad.

'I'm sorry,' she said. 'I'm really sorry, little one.'

'No.'

Rose didn't realise the harshness of her tone when she said it. She didn't realise her face went white in a moment. She only registered compassion in the Guardian's eyes, the compassion she would never accept as long as there was hope.

'Why do you say it doesn't matter? What happened? Is there… well, I don't know, is there a war, or some sort of quarantine?' she ventured. The Guardian shook her head.

'It's not something you would understand, little one' she began but something in Rose's face that was probably daring _Try me! _made her smile. 'All right, try to imagine we are in a prison. Not just people. The entire planet and its timeline. Locked away. Moving in circles, confined to a small section of the time and space continuum…'

Rose gulped. She should have been grateful to the Guardian for actually trying to explain things to her, but at this point she wasn't sure she wanted to hear it.

'You said you lost someone, Guardian,' she dared to interrupt. 'Are they... is he... dead? No, wait! You thought it was him coming here, not me, right? But you said prison. Is that why he can't get back to you? '

'You know the right questions to ask, little one,' a very faint smile crossed the Guardian's face and disappeared. 'Is he dead? I pray and hope he is alive. But there are no gods to answer our prayers and I will never know. Because it's a prison.'

The sincerity in her voice made Rose want to hug the Guardian but she wouldn't dare. Instead, she looked at her intently.

'Who is he? Tell me! Who is he?'

'A little boy. A little boy he will always remain for me.'

'Your son?' asked Rose before she remembered what her human Doctor once told her. Time Lords didn't have children, not the way humans did. It was a bit like test tube babies grown in incubators, although it was named differently. The idea was so shocking and alien to her back than that she didn't ask him for details.

She noticed the Guardian's lips twitched. She must have heard Rose's thoughts and something clearly upset her.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to… Oh… Guardian, I'm just a stupid ape, I talk nonsense sometimes. Don't mind me. Can you tell me about him? Was he a good boy? What kind of person was he? Guardian?'

Her brow furrowed, the Time Lady gave Rose a long look. Rose felt uneasy, as if someone was looking in the corners of her mind which were cluttered with forbidden thoughts. Then the stern gaze relaxed.

'The best there ever was,' she said with unexpected softness. 'The curious one. The kindest of hearts. Not very brave, not much of a fighter. But he always saw far beyond anyone else. It was his joy and his curse. He broke laws and suffered for it. But he never willingly harmed anyone. He was there to help. Except...'

'Except?'

'Except, he never saw how much it would cost. And it always cost a lot. It always hurt him back. But he never stopped, even when the choices was hard. Sometimes he would retreat, sometimes he would hide, but he would always come back… That's how I remember him.'

Rose smiled, unaware of tears welling up in her eyes. It sounded so familiar that she could almost picture it. Somehow, it all seemed to fit. The sense of familiarity she had when listening to the Guardian, and the reason why the Guardian would try to question her on her own. It was not really probable, Rose admitted. But then again, considering the last twenty years of her life, none of it really seemed probable before it happened, so maybe this was, too.

The Guardian used that moment of uncertainty in Rose's head. She did not intend to let it go.

'You had met one of ours before, too. Was he a friend? Can you tell me about him?'

'Guardian...'

The Guardian took Rose's hand and looked her in the eye.

'I can see how it changed everything. Now that you remember you are a different person. You are not lost any more.'

Rose sighed. She still wasn't sure she should tell the Guardian anything. Then again, if Rose was right about who she was, how could she _not _tell her?

'I think memory is what makes us, Guardian,' she started cautiously. 'I don't know how I could ever forget him in the first place…'

'When there's a crack in time, memory is lost forever. People and events are wiped from existence,' the Guardian explained quietly.

'You helped me remember,' Rose's face brightened. The Guardian shook her head.

'My people are powerful, little one, but even we have no power to bring back what has been lost. It's all in there,' she touched Rose's chest. 'You may have one heart but it's surely a strong one. And you are going to need it. It's not easy being trapped in a world that is not your own, among strangers.'

Rose smiled cheerfully. For one thing, she knew being trapped was not easy but she had learnt by now that anything was possible as long as you didn't give up trying. Besides, something in the Guardian's words struck her.

'Oh Guardian. Did you even notice what you said? People and events are wiped and memory is lost forever. But I remember him. I remember him! He's okay!' It was like the whole universe was lifted off her shoulders. Until that moment she hadn't ever realize she carried it but now she was suddenly as light as feather, and she knew why. Even when her conscious self didn't remember the Doctor, there was an inner part of her that was scared to death at the thought that she may have lost him forever.

Something brushed gently against her mind. Was it a sensation of excitement the Guardian tried to hide?

Then she realised something else.

'How did you know? About the crack, I mean.'

'There is no way you can get in here. No _other _way. Besides, I saw the image in your mind when you remembered. Tell me about it.'

'It happened when we were travelling. Reality is, um… _was,_ cracking again. The TARDIS went crazy and I just fell out.'

'You fell into the crack in reality?' the Guardian tried to keep calm but Rose could see how shocked she was. 'Does the TARDIS dislike you?'

'No! I mean, I don't know. I thought she rather liked me. But she was damaged in the blast, and her systems were failing. We were in the void, and the door just opened, and I wasn't quick enough to hold on to something. I don't think she intended anything bad to happen,' she didn't know why she felt she should defend the TARDIS but she did, anyway. 'You're not supposed to survive in the void, right? Oh my God, I didn't think of that… You said this is a place that you can't get out of. You can't come back. Guardian, am I… dead?'

The happiness that lit her face was gone in a second.

'But it seems all wrong. I thought the TARDIS liked me. We were, erm, connected, in a way,' she reasoned with herself, brushing aside the idea of dying.

The Guardian appeared thoughtful. She looked at Rose again and again, as if she was hoping to find something she had overlooked.

'This place,' she said slowly, 'is called Eternity,'

Rose laughed hoarsely.

'Eternity? You're telling me I _am _dead, then? I thought this planet was dead,' she said before she realised what she was doing. 'Maybe that's how it makes sense. Is this the afterlife? Are you like, erm, a guardian of the gates or something? Meeting people who died and deciding if they can pass? Or you're only a dream? Do the dead dream? Do they… do they get goose bumps when they're cold or scared?'

She had goose bumps for sure. She also knew she was talking nonsense. Her mind was trying to postpone the inevitability of the Guardian's answer. This could_ not_ be what death looked like. But the Doctor had told her his planet was gone. Not just that. He was the one to make it happen and he had never forgiven himself. Once, back in Pete's world, Rose had a dream in which he saved Gallifrey instead of destroying it. The dream was so vivid and real that she dared to mention it to him. She never forgot his face: his pain and shame were unbearable. He was certain she was making the dream up to help him come to terms with his past. So his home planet _was_ dead, there was no doubt about it, and if she was there, walking and talking, that made her dead, too.

Unexpectedly, the Guardian chuckled.

'I'm sorry, little one. I didn't mean to frighten you. That's not what I meant. When I said you cannot leave this place… well, you _can't_. But you can live here all your life in safety. Time is twisted here, but your life is too short to notice the circles it makes.'

Rose looked at her doubtfully.

'You said eternity.'

'Mount Eternity, that's where we are,' the woman made a sweeping gesture around. Blinking away the tears of relief and half laughing at her own stupid ideas, Rose touched the red grass. Mount Eternity. She decided she rather liked the name, after all, and she certainly liked the place. 'We're not really fond of it here,' the Guardian seemed to be answering Rose's thoughts. 'It's said to be a dangerous place. There are time whirls and anomalies here that have never been fully explained, and it's really rare for our time scientists not to be able to explain something. They say this place affects your brain. Some people see things here…'

'You mean, like, hallucinations?'

'Hallucinations, or waking dreams, whatever you choose to call them. There were cases when people lost their minds, or went missing.'

'Like the Bermuda Triangle?' asked Rose feeling the goose bumps again. 'We have that place on Earth, where ships and planes used to disappear. But it was probably aliens all along. Why is it called Eternity though?'

'In ancient Gallifreyan the name was much longer' the Guardian explained. 'The ancients believed this was a holy place. Or should I say magical? I suppose it would be the same thing for them. They came here to perform their rituals.'

Rose shuddered. She couldn't help wondering how old the stories could be if they were _ancient _for Time Lords. But the word rituals brought to mind Aztecs, human sacrifices and other gruesome things. Somehow, she found it hard to believe. There was something about the mountain that made her want to stay here. She couldn't really name that feeling but it was summarized by one word: right. The place felt _right_.

'But rituals?' she queried unbelievingly. 'This place feels, you know, like it's a good place!'

'Don't be deceived, little one,' the Guardian's thoughts sounded sad, even depressed. 'It reaches into you and brings out what's deep inside you.'

'But that's not entirely bad, is it?' Rose argued. 'Unless, of course, you don't want to find out what's inside you.'

The Guardian gave her an appreciative look.

'They say there were blood rituals here. If we read the ancient scriptures correctly, the name was something like "Look into Each Other and the Eternity Shall Conquer the Nothingness". All that in one word,' she smiled. 'They say it was the ultimate lovers' spot. Young people used to come here to get engaged or married in ancient bonding ceremonies, or just to swear eternal love, making the mountain their witness.'

A flash of heat, followed by a wave of freezing cold ran through Rose's body, making her shiver, and her teeth chatter. She was probably running a fever, even though it was quite warm under the two suns.

She looked at the Guardian with an empty expression.

'They also said the mountain punished anyone whose intentions were not pure enough,' the Guardian was too absorbed in the story to notice. As if the story was really important to her. 'The old scriptures say a curse befell anyone who swore falsely or went back on their promise. Dark stories, probably meant to educate the children and teach them to be true to their word. But there is _something_ about this place. Some inconsistency in the time and space continuum, and it gets into your head when you spend too much time here. I imagine that was why people eventually stopped coming here. After all, here on Gallifrey, how can you truly swear yourself for eternity?'

Suddenly, Rose stood up, and the Guardian broke off.

She wanted to be alone. No, not _really_ alone, but she definitely did not want the Guardian poking around her head right now. She tried gently to push the Guardian out her mind.

The Guardian was right, the place was trying to deceive her. It was getting into her mind. All of it, from the moment she woke up, must have been a hallucination. As is something created a dream specifically for her, a waking dream made up of the pieces found in her mind. She obviously imagined everything: the Guardian who was looking for her little boy, Mount Eternity, 'the ultimate lovers' spot', and Gallifrey itself, which she knew had burnt during the Time War. The thing was, if there was anything she wanted right now, it was for the whole story to be true. She felt butterflies in her stomach. Everything became hazy, even the orange sunshine was somehow subdued. Unaware of tears trickling down her face, Rose rested against the silver rock, hugging it in case her knees gave way. She pressed her cheek against the rough surface, against the circle carved in the stone.

She was grownup, she said to herself. These were just stories. Nothing to get upset about. Just stories.

Deep inside, she craved to be a child, and to believe in things that she knew could not be real.

She didn't hear when the Guardian stood up and looked over her shoulder at the carvings.

'Most of these come from the old times. People used to carved their names here when they took their oaths. This one is different though. It's newer. Not even three thousand years.'

Rose gave her a weary look. Something about this conversation had drained her completely. The bits and pieces of information they tried to elicit from each other without giving anything away made her feel sick with uncertainty. All the ghosts of the Gallifrey's future and past were getting to her, and she was beginning to feel she was a ghost herself. She was falling into pieces. Something inside urged her to come clean, to tell the Guardian everything about the Doctor, everything about their travels together, about the parallel world, about meeting the Time Lord Doctor again, and about the two guys being one, and beg for one solid piece of information in return, something she could hold onto while figuring out how to get back to him, or waiting for him to get her back.

Because he would be coming back for her.

She knew he would.

She was just tired of half-truths and beating around the bush. She took a deep breath, plucking the courage to tell the Guardian everything.

'A wolf flower,' said the Guardian quietly. 'That's what it says.'


	7. A Pathway Carved in Silver

**Author's Note:** _After Rose and the Doctor are separated, Rose finds that some things seem to have been carved in stone ages ago. _

_[Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who. BBC does.]_

_Huge thanks go to Bria, my lovely beta!_

* * *

**FOREVER: COLOURS OF ETERNITY**

* * *

_Once written in the stars  
A pathway set in stone  
A candle in the night  
To guide your way back home  
Then somewhere in your memory  
Calling from afar It's daring you to see  
What it is that's written in the stars..._

_("Written in the stars" by Blackmore's Night; lyrics: Candice Night, Ritchie Blackmore)_

* * *

**A PATHWAY CARVED IN SILVER**

_A wolf flower._

Rose felt her thoughts scatter and run in multiple directions, leaving her helpless and gasping for breath, while she desperately tried to catch them and contain them within the safety of her mind's walls. It felt a bit like being drunk: the ground seemed to escape from under her feet, and mountain peaks gleaming in the sunlight danced around her like they were alive, leaving blurred trails of light in the sky.

'I was so furious when I caught him carving it in the stone,' said the Guardian softly. 'Breaking rules again, for no reason I could understand. It seemed so foolish. He tried to tell me about it but I didn't listen.'

'A wolf flower?' Rose cleared her throat and made an effort to remain calm, keeping the pretences of a neutral conversation. Her voice was hoarse and she was hardly aware of what the Guardian was saying. 'Is it a kind of flower you have on this planet?'

The Guardian fixed her gaze on Rose for a few moments before replying.

'No.'

She paused again and looked hard at Rose. Finding no answer to her unasked question, she sighed.

'There's no such thing as a wolf flower. At least not on Gallifrey. I have always thought it was just meaningless scribble. That's what children do: daydreaming, playing make-believe, or just making up stories. But,' she pierced Rose with her gaze again, 'you think it is more than that, little one. It means something to you, doesn't it?'

'I don't know, Guardian. I'm not sure,' Rose said truthfully.

It could be Mount Eternity messing with her head, after all. Or some uncanny coincidence. Words like 'flower' or 'wolf'' were found in all languages in all universes, and there was no need to make a fuss over them, she tried to convince herself.

'It was a magical flower he dreamt of,' the Guardian said, her voice soft again. 'Enchanted to look like a weed and waiting for someone to remove the spell from it. Something like an enchanted princess or a powerful fairy in children's tales, I suppose, except he never told me what it was, underneath that spell. He just said it was something unbelievable and beautiful, and powerful enough to break the walls between…'

She broke off mid-sentence and their eyes met.

Rose staggered. Her head was spinning. She wanted to be with him. More than anything in the world. It didn't matter when or where, or how. Just with him… Torn between the reason that told her she was delusional, and the heart that told her it all suddenly made sense, more than ever, she felt like she was all squeezed inside, down in her stomach, and in her throat, and even her wrists felt as if someone put tight iron bands on them. Breathing suddenly became difficult.

It was lucky the Guardian was by her side and got hold of her before she collapsed, and made her sit down.

'It's all right, little one. You should take it easy. It's hard keeping the walls up all the time, especially for your kind. You're still stronger than any human I've met,' she added.

Rose leaned on the Time Lady's shoulder, forgetting the distance between them. There was no distance now. The Guardian was the closest person she could have met here. It all felt _right._

'Guardian?'

'Yes, little one?'

'How do I get back home?'

'There is no way home from here.'

Rose sighed.

'The stories about the mountain, are they real?'

'I don't know, little one. It has been a forbidden place for thousands of years. Not everyone believed it. Some mocked it and tried to prove it was old wives tales. Some believed it was magical and wanted to have a piece of the magic,' she said. 'But I really don't know. Sometimes I think it does something to you. Sometimes it looks like it just stirs up what is already inside you.'

Then, without any warning, the Guardian changed the subject.

'You knew what the void is. You saw it before, when you travelled with… with one of our kind? It wasn't the first time, was it?'

'No,' Rose admitted hoarsely. The Guardian caught her unawares, stirring images of the past in her mind. 'The first time, that was with the Daleks, and the Cybermen,' she started, noting the unhidden shock and hate in the Guardian's eyes. 'We had to close the breach between worlds. He created a kind of draught to blow them all into the void, so they wouldn't harm any of the worlds. We just needed to keep the levers down to keep it going. My lever gave way. I put it back in position but I lost my grasp, and it kind of pulled me in.'

'You couldn't have survived the void.'

On the surface, it was a statement but Rose could see the thought was bigger on the inside. There was disbelief in it, and surprise, and something very akin to fear.

'I didn't fall into the void. Someone from the parallel world saved me. My father. Well, my _parallel_ father. I ended up on the other side. Then they helped me find my way back. I had, I mean we had to warn him something wrong was happening in all worlds.'

The Guardian covered her mouth with her hand. Rose didn't know if it was a gesture of surprise, an attempt to hide her expression, or an inner order to stay silent. She looked into her own thoughts and carefully closed some doors. There were things she didn't want the Guardian to know.

'But this time, you think it was different,' the Guardian observed. 'I can see it in your mind. How was it different?'

Rose hesitated. It was a relief to be able to talk to the Guardian _almost _openly but still…

'This time… it was just us. No Daleks or Cybermen. Just us.'

She saw the hardness creep back in the Guardian's eyes again.

'He let you fall out of the TARDIS?'

Rose looked at the Guardian softly, wondering why the Time Lady suddenly appeared blurred in her eyes.

'No. He jumped and caught me, and we...' she put her hand to her forehead. Somehow the memory of it didn't feel so bad any longer. The Doctor holding her tight and falling with her felt _right_, like the very essence of sniffled and wiped the tears with the back of her hand. '...we fell together.'

'He jumped into the void for you?'

There was something in the Guardian's voice that made Rose look up at her with apprehension. For a brief moment the Guardian's walls fell down and Rose could see her shock, and helpless anger. Her eyes darkened. She wasn't angry at Rose. She was angry at _him._

'Well, he kind of… he said he would. He was just keeping his promise.'

'He jumped into the void for you?' the Guardian repeated slowly, spacing out the words in her mind, as if she wasn't sure she had been understood. She had put up her walls back and she wasn't looking at Rose, but through her and somewhere far away behind her back.

As if something she held dear had shattered into pieces.

'He didn't have a lever to hold,' said Rose quietly. 'He was keeping his promise.'

The Guardian looked away.

'I always thought one day my little boy would save Gallifrey. And he did, more than once. But he also became so much more than I imagined, doing things nobody else would do, crossing borders that are not to be crossed. I look at his actions and I don't understand. As if he was an alien. I never learnt to cope. For me, he is still a little boy. I only want him safe.'

'Oh, Guardian.'

Rose sat by her side, holding the mighty lady's hand.

'My mum never understood why I wanted to travel with him, and how important he was. I know I caused her a lot of pain but I still wouldn't change a thing even if I could.'

The Guardian was silent.

'Growing up is about finding your way in life, isn't it? Finding what really matters. When you do, it's like you're suddenly home, like it was always meant to be. You just know it's your path and it doesn't really matter how hard it is to walk it. When you love someone, you always want them safe. But sometimes you just have to let them find their own path and follow it.'

The Guardian's expression changed slowly.

For a few moments she appeared to be absorbed in some thoughts she didn't share with Rose. She smiled once or twice, probably at some distant memories.

Rose decided it was a good time to change the subject. She stood up and looked at the carvings again.

'Can you tell me what else it says? I've seen such circles in the TARDIS but I never learnt to read them. Never had the time. There must be more here than just two words here, though?'

She wiped away the silver moss, revealing another circle drawn next to the first one. It was much more regular and tidy, not a child's scribble, and definitely not carved with something as crude as a knife. Silver residue stuck inside the carved lines and in the sunshine it looked like a marble plaque inlaid with patterns of silver or gold. Rose wondered briefly why she had not noticed the other circle before. She had had quite a good look at the carvings when she woke up here.

The Guardian didn't try to hide her surprise.

'I don't remember seeing this one before.'

'What does it say?'

The Guardian moved her finger along the carved lines.

'It says: together for eternity. No, wait, he actually wrote: together _on_ eternity. It doesn't sound right though.'

Rose took a deep breath. Her heart was beating like crazy. An impossible thought made her feel like she was falling again. But if her guess was true, this was not the time to give in to weakness. Was it a little boy's mistake? Or was it something else?

The Guardian knew the 'wolf flower' inscription but she had not seen the other one. She had said Gallifrey was like a prison because time ran in circles.

Rose couldn't really understand how it was possible, no more than she could imagine time not being a straight line, and she didn't even try to analyse how it could be perceived by anyone living long enough to see the entire circle because her head started spinning at the mere idea. But if it was circular, then it wouldn't matter if something was done before or after a certain point in time: it would be there in the past and in the future, because in a circle the past was the future, and the future in the end became the past.

What if, when they fell through the crack, they were thrown into the same place but in two different points on the timeline? Two people on a merry-go-round would never meet, but if they could leave a mark on the wall surrounding it, the other one would see it when passing by. Or rather, in this case, since time was not exactly a merry-go-round, the mark left a point in time would be there in the past and in the future because on a circle there is no beginning and no end.

She didn't know if her reasoning was right.

Actually, the onlything she knew right now was that there was a message engraved in the stone which had not been there before. A message she needed to answer.

To tell the Doctor that he was right: that they were, indeed, together on Eternity. Or for eternity. Here on Mount Eternity it didn't really sound any different.


	8. Of Golden Mayflies and Blood Red Roses

_**Author's Note:** Trying to communicate to the Doctor, Rose can only rely on stories about Mount Eternity. Will the Guardian be willing to help? _

_I am back with my story after I lost my files and practically needed to write most of the remaining chapters again. I would like to thank my lovely beta, **Bria,** for her unfailing support! :)_

* * *

**FOREVER: COLOURS OF ETERNITY**

* * *

_Roses, I'm sending blood red roses  
This burning in my heart  
Tears me apart  
Roses, blood red roses_

_You've got to understand  
That's my heart in your hand_

_„**Blood red roses**" by Uriah Heep_

* * *

**OF GOLDEN MAYFLIES AND BLOOD RED ROSES**

The Guardian watched on, her eyes clouded with sorrow, as the human furiously tried to scratch the rock with her nail. It left no mark, so she tried again, and again. She had forgotten everything else, absorbed in that one action. Nothing seemed to matter to her, nothing was real except the message she was trying to send, as if her entire life depended on it.

Perhaps it did.

The Guardian shuddered at the realisation of how short that life was. On Mount Eternity time readings had always been blurred, and with the planet locked in a twisted timeline, her time sense was crippled, so she could not tell how old the girl actually was. Perhaps by human reckoning it would be more appropriate to call her a woman. Even so, humans rarely lived more than a hundred years. They were like children. Or rather, the Guardian reflected, like mayflies. A swarm of tiny golden-brown creatures glittering in the sun, creatures that hatch in huge numbers, and for a moment cover the entire world, but only live for a day. They never realise in their short, hectic flight that the world is far beyond their understanding and that their lives are only a split second in the eyes of higher beings.

A few decades, no more, and she would be gone forever.

That's what she was: a mayfly girl.

A pang of sadness in the Guardian's hearts when she thought about it told her it was really high time she ended the conversation. Getting teary over a mayfly was not her way. She should have ended it long ago, but somehow she could not. Every thought they exchanged was like a door to another world. Most doors were locked but if you put your eye to the keyhole, you could get a glimpse of the unbelievable. The mayfly world. The Guardian had been reckless enough to look and now she could not stop. She craved for more. She kept the conversation going hoping to get as much information as she could.

Instead, she ended up telling the mayfly girl things she had never intended to share.

It was probably Mount Eternity getting into her head.

It did not matter much. Soon the memories would be gone forever. Before anyone in the city realised she was stalling, before they asked questions. It was bound to happen, for the mayfly girl's own safety more than her own. It would not be good for the mayfly girl if the interrogators found out about her relationship with a Time Lord. Some boundaries were not to be crossed, and it did not matter which of the two was guilty. The thoughts hidden behind the girl's mental walls, even though the Guardian tried not to listen to them as she had promised, were too loud to be hushed and too dangerous to be revealed. The Guardian was certain there were members of the Council who would not let it go, for no other reason than their own twisted purposes, and there was no telling how it could end.

Without her memories, the little human could live here quietly for the rest of her mayfly days.

But the longer they talked, the more difficult it became.

Every moment they spent on Mount Eternity seemed to create a bond between them. A bond that should never have been allowed to form. It was probably only in the Guardian's imagination, too. She knew she should not trust her judgment because the place had a reputation for clouding the minds and twisting realities.

The girl was an intruder. A mayfly that left her meadow by mistake and was now trapped behind the glass she did not see. Taking away her memories would save her a lot of pain, might even save her life. But was a life without memories worth living?

_Memories are what make us, Guardian._

She was a mayfly but she knew. Her unimportant, ridiculously short life had a meaning to it because she remembered. Was making her forget really so different from killing her? Would she want to live on without her memories, or would she rather face the future, however dangerous and uncertain, remembering everything?

The Guardian knew the answer and it did not make it any easier.

She also guessed that the Time Lord who was constantly present at the back of the mayfly girl's mind, and whose name neither of them dared to mention in their conscious thoughts, would probably want her safe at any cost. Even at the cost of her memories of him.

Probably.

_That_ did not make it any easier, either.

She wondered briefly if the choices _he _usually had to face were similar to this one. Knowing _him_, they probably were. But this one was hers. She could stall and keep talking to the mayfly girl but at some point she would have to make the decision.

She shuddered inside and bit her lips, watching the mayfly girl's hopeless attempts to respond to the message carved in stone. Then, she saw the girl suddenly stop and laugh out loud, as a person who had remembered something and was laughing at her own absent-mindedness, before taking something small out of an inner pocket of her suit.

It was a flat piece of metal, forged into a shape the Guardian was not familiar with. It took her a moment to recognise it. Trying to focus on time-related sensations on Mount Eternity gave her a headache but the result made her smile a broad smile tinged with surprised and satisfaction.

The plain-looking thing was in fact a TARDIS key. Disguised as something from the mayfly world, weirdly shaped, true, but a TARDIS key nonetheless.

She had been right not to let the search party with their gauges anywhere near the intruder. There were some good sides to Mount Eternity after all. It made readings unclear and muddled the time sense. Without seeing the item and touching it, they never suspected they were a few yards away from a TARDIS key.

The mayfly girl had a TARDIS key. A Time Lord jumped into the void for her. She survived the fall.

In the Guardian's world, none of these could have happened. It made her want to jump into the mayfly world and see how it worked, see how it transformed the impossible into the possible.

It was time to end this, she reminded herself. The mountain was messing with her mind, made her weak and susceptible to foolish ideas. The right thing was to take away the mayfly girl's memories and return to the city with her to report to the Council. The story should be as near to the truth as possible without endangering the girl's safety. Without endangering _him. _If he was ever get back here, that is. The TARDIS key should stay on Mount Eternity and be forgotten.

There was nothing really difficult about it, she persuaded herself. The mayfly girl trusted her. All she needed was come close enough to touch her temples again, and…

Somehow, the thought made the Guardian feel sick.

She did not move. She kept watching quietly as the mayfly girl fiercely scratched the rock with the TARDIS key, until a clear line was finally visible. The girl did not stop at that. She kept working until the lines formed a drawing.

It was far from perfect but good enough for the Guardian to recognise the shape of a flower.

* * *

Years later, or perhaps years earlier, the Doctor, who had been scanning rocks of Mount Eternity for traces of human DNA for days on end, and had almost given into despair, suddenly saw a faint drawing appear on the rock, as if made by an invisible hand. He closed his eyes and pinched himself just to be sure. It was Mount Eternity after all. A fabled place, full of things that even Gallifreyans could not explain. But this...

He didn't really know what he had hoped for when he added "together on eternity" to his very old childhood doodle. He just wanted her to be with him here. Maybe it was the magic of the place. Sitting there, looking down at the dome of the city, he felt like a child again.

The hoper of far-flung hopes and the dreamer of improbable dreams.

He knew even the wildest dreams could come true if you dreamt hard enough. He had seen it happen. Not for himself, not his own dreams. His own dreams were dangerous. They made him cross lines and they always ended in disaster. He had given up on dreaming for himself long ago.

Did he still remember how to dream?

He took a deep breath, contemplating the smell of the grass around him and taking in the long forgotten colours. If things had been different, this was where he would take her. This was where certain things were meant to be said. He would take Rose to Mount Eternity and tell her…

No, he knew he wouldn't. Too many things would have to be different for _that_ to ever happen. But he wanted to hold on to that dream, for little while at least, before admitting it was never going to come true.

He mentally scolded himself for getting distracted. He needed to find Rose before anyone else did. They were his people. Last time he came in touch with them they gave him the greatest gift of all. But he also knew their dark side. He had enemies, those who resented some of the things he had done in the past. Rose could become their guest, or their hostage, or their prisoner, a pawn in a game she was not aware of. He needed to find her as soon as possible.

Or was he only deceiving himself? They had fallen into the void, possibly through the crack in time. How could a human being survive that? He pushed away the thought but he knew it was only a matter of time before it came back. He fumbled with the settings on his sonic screwdriver impatiently. It should not be difficult to find a human here. He probably just didn't get the settings right the first time, or something about this place interfered with the readings.

He wasn't exactly feeling well himself, either. His senses were strangely numb. Whenever he tried to really focus on the passing of time, to tell how long he had been searching for her or what particular time in history it was, he got a huge headache and a very vague idea of something being wrong. It could have been a side effect of their crash in the void, but instead of slowly wearing off, it kept growing, making him irritable and easily distracted.

She couldn't have survived the fall.

He rested his head against the rock, biting his lips in helpless fury. It was his fault. It was _always_ his fault. He should have never started hoping again. He should have never gone anywhere near Rose, not in his Time Lord form. He should have run when he heard her voice after nineteen hundred years.

He didn't, and now she was dead.

No. She couldn't be. Not his Rose.

Not on Mount Eternity. It was his place, his secret hideout. It had always felt different than other places. Almost alive, almost sentient. Like a friend. It wouldn't betray him like that.

Just then, as if in reply, a thin, hardly visible line appeared on the surface of the stone. He blinked, unsure he had really seen it, and kept staring at it. After a moment the lines grew thicker forming an image of a flower. Suddenly breathless, he touched the image, feeling it with his fingers, unsure if he could trust his eyes.

It was there. It was real.

He burst out into manic laughter, pressing his lips against the rock.

The pieces of the puzzle fell into place. Everything made sense now: why he couldn't focus, why his time sense was not working, why he could not detect Rose's presence no matter how hard he tried. It could also explain why he had not yet been detected. The Time Lord senses must have reacted with rejection to the unusual shape of time surrounding them, making their reactions slower. Perhaps they even ignored some things as afterimages. The implications…

No, he was not going to lose any more time analysing the implications. Rose was there, and she managed to send him a message through time. In a moment of clarity he remembered everything he had heard about Mount Eternity. He squeezed the sonic screwdriver hysterically. Carving an image in reply was easy enough. A few straight lines, no more, to tell Rose in the shortest possible way he was coming to get her. But the message itself was not enough. He needed to connect to her through the circles of time, in a way that was only possible on Mount Eternity.

* * *

Years later, or perhaps years earlier, Rose almost fainted, watching delicate lines form the image of the TARDIS around her picture of a rose.

'Look, Guardian! I told you!' she exclaimed excitedly, turning around and finding her interrogator right behind her, much closer than she expected. The Guardian looked startled and withdrew abruptly.

'Guardian? Are you all right?'

The Guardian didn't reply, hiding her thoughts behind the walls and pushing Rose's questions away.

'What it is? What happened? Is anything wrong?'

The Guardian only shook her head. Rose sighed, unsure what to make of the sudden change in her behaviour, but she was too happy to worry about it for long. He was out there and he got her message!

She looked back at the drawing and gasped. There was something different about it now, as if it had changed since last time she looked at it. The carved lines were now dark rusty brown shade. As if someone had coloured the image by filling the lines with some sort if paint, but how and why? She didn't know why but subconsciously she knew it was important. She knew it meant something and she was supposed to understand, but her mind just didn't make the connection. She frowned slightly.

'It's blood,' she heard the Guardian's muffled thought. 'An ancient bonding ritual.'

If it was possible to think in whisper, that was exactly what the Guardian was doing.

Rose felt the shiver go down her spine. Blood would probably look like that after years. It made sense: ancient rituals, blood, Mount Eternity and all. What if it was not a dream? She looked at the ground under her feet. Some stones and rock splinters were scattered on the ground but none of them looked sharp enough.

The Guardian was standing still, her head bowing down, not looking at Rose. She appeared to be engrossed in a prayer or meditation, or an inner argument - but when Rose looked at her, she looked up and pierced Rose with her stern gaze. It was intense and questioning but Rose's mind did not register any articulated thoughts. For a moment Rose had a feeling she was being interrogated. The sensation was unpleasant but it stopped before she could protest.

Without saying anything, the Time Lady held out her hand. She was holding a small shiny dagger, or something that looked like one. It was made of metal Rose did not know, and decorated with dainty circular inscriptions.

'Thank you, Guardian.'

The Guardian shook her head. She guarded her thoughts so Rose could not hear any reply, but it was clear from the Guardian's face that she disapproved of what Rose was about to do, and that she disapproved of her own actions, too. Yet, she had offered to help.

Rose smiled softly, wondering if the Guardian could sense the emotions behind her smile.

A few drops of blood trickled on the drawing, making the brown rose and the brown TARDIS bright red.


	9. The Colour of the Words

_**Author's note:**__ Will blood rituals help Rose communicate with the Doctor through the twisted timelines? Anything seems to be possible..._

_Reviews and comments are always welcome!_

_[Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who. BBC does.]_

_I would like to thank **Bria** for being my beta! Any mistakes are mine, as I modified a few sentences after posting._

* * *

**FOREVER: COLOURS OF ETERNITY**

* * *

_"Words don't come easy to me. _  
_How can I find a way to make you see I love you?_  
_Words don't come easy..."_

_**"Words" **__by F.R. David_

* * *

**THE COLOUR OF THE WORDS**

The first thing Rose felt was an overwhelming wave of anxiety, changing in an instant into enormous relief that made her head spin. For a moment she couldn't tell why she felt that way: nothing had changed around her visibly and there was no reason for any of these emotions to suddenly grow so strong. It was almost as if they came from the outside.

No, not exactly from the outside, she corrected herself. From a different part of her would be closer to the truth, although still not close enough.

Then, through the emotions, she heard his voice as clear as a bell:

'Rose, can you hear me? Are you all right? Can you hear me? Rose?'

Her heart racing, she looked around hoping to actually _see_ the Doctor. She was aware of his presence in a way that was completely new to her. As if every cell of her body knew he was there. But he was nowhere to be seen. No, of course not. The voice was only in her mind. Similar to the Guardian's voice but with that special colouring that made in unmistakably _him_.

'I can hear you in my head,' she thought in reply, wondering if he would hear that.

He did.

'My Rose.'

Nothing more. Just her name filling every corner of his mind.

The melody of his thoughts was exactly as if he was standing there talking to her. She felt goose bumps on her arms, even though the evening was warm, and her eyes welled up with tears. She gave in to the emotions willingly, knowing it was the only way to let him know how she felt. His thoughts enveloped her in return, the strangest but the most comforting sensation she had ever experienced.

The Guardian must have also realised Rose was talking telepathically to someone else, because her eyes widened in disbelief and something akin to horror. Clearly whatever was going on was _not _a usual thing to happen, even on Gallifrey. Seeing her face, Rose suddenly decided she should be cautious. She wasn't quite sure if it was safe to trust Time Lords in general… although she was not entirely sure where the idea had come from.

'Rose, listen, this is important, and I don't know how much time we have.'

His tone commanded attention. The only thoughts Rose could now hear in her mind were controlled and clear. It reminded her of something from a very distant past, and she wondered briefly how bad the news would be.

He took a moment before formulating the next thought.

'I need to take us out of here, you and me, but it's going to be tricky.'

'No, wait!' she interrupted. 'Is it you? I mean, is it _really_ you, or am I dreaming?' she thought, carefully avoiding mentioning his name, just in case. 'This place… your home, it can't be true, can it? You told me all about it, remember?'

She _felt _him smile.

'Oh, it is, Rose. It didn't burn; it was just, kind of, well, hidden from the world. I didn't know, I mean, the me that you knew before didn't know. I only found out later. But you dreamt about it in Pete's world, remember?'

'So you saved it? You saved your planet?'

'Well, sort of. It's, um, tucked away, unseen. You know, a sort of dimensional pocket, a small alternative universe, whatever you call it. No one knows where it is.'

'We've found it, though! You're home, right? Back with your people!'

There was a moment of silence. Rose wondered what would happen now. He was back with his people. That was all he had ever wanted. To know he was not guilty of their deaths and to be with them again. She should tell him it was all right to stay…

As she was formulating the thought, she felt the Guardian stumble through her mind awkwardly. She tried force her out, but the Guardian – the real person standing in front of her - wrenched her hands in a painful gesture.

'Let me leave him a message, little one…' she asked quietly. 'Please. A message in your mind.'

Rose didn't have the heart to say no. They may have met as strangers only a few hours earlier but Rose knew she would never forget the time they spent together and she felt she owed it to the Guardian. She did her best to simply ignore the woman's presence in her mind. It wasn't quite as easy as it seemed: she could almost feel the Guardian carve her brain with circular signs, and it made her feel a bit sick.

'Well, it's more complicated than that, Rose. We cannot stay. We're not supposed to be here in the first place. This place is kind of locked out. I'm not sure how we managed to get here, suppose it's something to do with the TARDIS. Her engine is, in a way, connected to the planet. Or maybe she could sense what was on the other side of the crack, um, never mind, we need to get out of here _now_. There's one problem, though.'

'Okay.'

'This is going to be dangerous. I mean really dangerous. Gallifrey is trapped in a circular time loop that's how I've been able to establish the connection,' his voice sounded feverish, he spoke quickly as if he was running out of time. 'But that's breaking all the time laws I've been taught. I need to get us out of here, both, at the same time. And both _to_ the same time and place. If we're lucky, we'll be back in our universe. But it's up to you… because… I cannot promise...' he choked and fell silent.

'S'okay, just tell me what to do!'

She almost felt the silence as he blocked his emotions from coming through. He was trying not to infect her with his own fear.

Like an open book. He was like an open book to her. She had noticed that back in the TARDIS but it was so much more noticeable now that they shared thoughts. And a little scary, too.

'You still have your TARDIS key, Rose?'

'Yes, how do you know? Last time we talked about it…'

Last time they talked about it was in Pete's world. For her, it was a treasure she would never part with. She wore it on a chain around her neck, hidden from sight, close to her heart. For him, a Time Lord mind suddenly imprisoned in a human body, it was a painful memory. They talked about it only once, and after that she locked the key in a jewellery box, which she tucked away at the bottom of a cupboard drawer. They never mentioned it again.

'Lil' Bill* told me you took it out, just before our last mission. I hoped you'd have it. It gives us a better chance. Still, we cannot call the TARDIS to us, we need to let her pull us out of here and it's… It can kill you, Rose,' he finally explained. 'I know it most probably _will_ kill any human being.'

'Okay'. It wasn't entirely unexpected. Most of the things they had done together could have killed her. The difference was that now she could sense how worried the Doctor really was and it made her feel uneasy. 'Is there any other way? You know, a slow way?'

He took time before replying.

'I don't know, Rose. You could… you know, you could stay here, on Gallifrey. They might let you stay… They are kind of friendly, my people. Mostly. If they believe you're no harm to them, I think you could…'

'And if I stay, when do we meet again?'

She could almost picture the battle that was going on in his mind.

'We… we probably don't. I'm not sure because there's something wrong with this universe, something wrong with my time sense… But we're in different points of their timeline, I think I'm here in your future. One or two hundred years into the future, give or take.

'So if I stay…'

They fell silent.

'Do you want me to stay?' she ventured eventually.

There was no answer other than a chaos of emotions leaking through his mental shield.

'Well, it may be shorter than I said... There's no way of telling, Rose, and we don't have much time. If this link is broken… or if someone interrupts us…' his thoughts trailed off. 'I wonder why no one has. Either all the barriers of the planet are falling apart, or maybe…'

'You think it could be me? I mean, I could be there, fifty years into the future, stopping them from interrupting us talking?'

Again, he didn't answer directly. She wasn't sure he even heard the question, absorbed in his own train of thoughts.

'That's a decision I cannot make, Rose. Not here, not now. Only you can make it. If I tell you what to do, it won't be your own, and besides… I don't know. I've made decisions for you many times, but I'm not really very good at it, am I?'

She smiled through the tears.

'Yep, not your best ability, decisions. So you say my decision this time?' My life, my Time Lord, my decision. Sounds kind of easy. You said it will kill any human being?'

'Yes… but you're not just _any _human being. You're Rose Tyler, the Bad Wolf. You looked into the heart of the TARDIS, and I believe in you. I'll accept whatever you decide, Rose. So?'

'The wolf flower!' gasped the Guardian and took a step back but Rose didn't notice.

'What about Gallifrey?' she asked urgently. 'You said it's trapped! You can, you know, um, untrap it and have your home back, can't you? You can figure it out! Shouldn't we stay? It's your planet, your people! And I'm only…'

'Rose' his voice was quiet and composed, but Rose felt the trembling just beneath the surface. 'I _could _try and save Gallifrey now, oh yes, I could. But I wouldn't be able to take you home then, and a war you cannot even try to imagine would be back. We'll figure it out one day, I know we will… but right now…'

_We._ He probably didn't even realise he thought about it that way but she felt it loud and clear. _We _will figure it out. One word, one idea that had the power to disperse all fears and doubts.

'I'm ready. What shall I tell my..., um, I mean, what shall I tell the Guardian?'

'You can tell them... no, wait! You said _the _Guardian, like it's a name? You've met the Guardian? Is she there? What did she... no, don't say anything! You shouldn't be talking to her! Rose, what have you told her?!'

She took a deep breath.

'I tried not to tell her anything but we talked for quite a long time. I suppose she guessed a lot… or read things from my mind. I think she cannot exactly hear you but she's in my mind too… so I suppose she hears me talking to you and reacting…''

A slight nod from the Guardian confirmed her guess. The Doctor sounded a bit relieved.

'Rose, for her sake, and for ours, there are things she shouldn't know. Guessing can't be avoided and it's all right. It's _knowing_ that changes the worlds. Tell her to go.'

Rose looked at the Guardian. The Time Lady stood a few paces away, bowing down.

'Please, can she stay?'

'Why? What did she tell you? Why do you want her to stay?'

'Something about a little boy she once knew and lost.'

'Rose.'

'Yes?'

'Tell her… tell her some things you lose forever can still be found in eternity. And Rose, how is she? Ask her how she is!'

Rose turned to the Guardian and found she had not moved an inch. She just stood there, pale and motionless.

'I am fine. Tell him I'm fine, my daughter,' she said. Rose gaped at her, completely startled: the words were spoken, not telepathic. 'I'll be here when he comes to Mount Eternity to take you home. No one will interrupt.'

She reached her hand towards Rose hesitantly and touched her cheek. Rose took the Guardian's hand in hers and held it in silence. She knew the Guardian was no longer reading her thoughts but she could think of no words to say.

'And tell him… tell him the blessing of the mountain is with you, my daughter,' the Guardian added, looking Rose deep into the eye.

The last sentence was followed by a string of sounds Rose was not familiar with. She guessed it was Gallifreyan. Before Rose could ask for an explanation, the Guardian bowed slightly and turned away, walking briskly down a narrow mountain path. She never looked back.

'Rose?'

'She... she's left. She said...'

'Not now, Rose. It can wait. Got the key in your hand? Place your hand on the carving and try to picture us in the TARDIS. Yeah, like that. It can hurt. Actually, it can hurt a lot. Whatever you feel, keep your eyes closed, don't open them till I tell you it's safe. Ready?'

She felt the key get warmer in her hand but it could be just because she was holding it so tight.

'Yes, Doctor.'

There was no mistake about it. The key was getting hot. A shiver went down her spine. She closed her eyes tight. Just a moment now and she would know…

'Rose…?'

Something in the tone of his thoughts nearly made her open her eyes but she remembered just in time that he was not physically there. He was clearly struggling to formulate a thought.

'Yes, Doctor?'

'If something goes wrong and we don't meet on the other side…'

Even with her eyes closed, she could now sense key began to emanate familiar glow.

'We will, Doctor!' she assured him forcefully.

'I just wanted you to know…'

It wasn't long now. The key was tingling in Rose's hand. She felt a wave of cold panic starting in her stomach and going up to freeze her heart. What if they _don't_ meet on the other side? What if it's the last chance…

'I love you, Rose…'

The panic melted into a tearful sensation of being safe and in the right place. At the same moment a burst of light blinded her through the closed eyelids. She was pulled into the vortex before she could even think a reply.

* * *

*** **_If you want to check who _Lil' Bill_ was, he appears in my other story, "Forever: The Broken Fragments", which comes first in the series._


	10. Between Light and Shadow

**FOREVER: COLOURS OF ETERNITY**

* * *

_Sometimes in my darkest thoughts, I wish I'd never learned  
__What it is to be in love and have that love returned _

_**"Written in the Stars"** (from "Aida"; written by Timothy Rice and Elton John)_

* * *

**BETWEEN LIGHT AND SHADOW**

The pain was like someone was tearing her apart. Not metaphorically - literally. She curled up and held her eyelids close tight, howling inside. Teeth clenched, tears flowing down her cheeks, she just begged for the ordeal to be over. Then she bumped into something and the pain seemed to let go. A terrible feeling of sickness was the last thing she remembered.

They materialised on the TARDIS floor at the same time. Rose moaned softly when her head bumped heavily against the metal grating. The Doctor's face, white and covered with sweat, brightened up the moment he heard the sound, and he struggled to his knees, poking hectically for his sonic screwdriver.

They made it. Rose made it. But he knew it was not over. So many things could have gone wrong. She was human. Not an ordinary one because she had looked into the heart of the TARDIS but still only a human. Her body was fragile, and her brain even more so. He could only imagine how that kind of travel could have affected her. He could tell by the weak moan that she needed urgent help.

He took her in his arms and struggled to his feet. It took him a few long moments and much more effort than he thought it should. He must have also suffered during their leap home, and he was completely exhausted.

No surprise there. Apparently the barriers were still holding. He was able to evade them using the temporal irregularities of Mount Eternity to his advantage, and amplifying his connection with the TARDIS by a simultaneous use of two TARDIS keys. The TARDIS did most of the job, locating them through time and pulling them out, just as he had hoped she would. Still, they were lucky to actually get out in one piece. He had used every trick he knew to protect them both. His body was already actively repairing the damage he had suffered but it needed time.

Trying to hear Rose's breath in the dark, he realised time was one thing he did not have. For now, unable to stand straight – let alone think straight – the best he could do was to take Rose to the medbay and then he would activate the nanogenes… He never used them for some reason, never liked them much, knowing how dangerous a programming flaw can make them. But this time he would. He wouldn't risk making a mistake just because he was... not well.

He gathered the remains of his strength, surprised at how little was left, and took a few steps forward. He was completely drained. He briefly remembered the feeling of being connected to Rose all throughout their leap. Physically they may have been at two completely different points on the timeline but somehow they were together. The last thing he remembered was holding on to the mental link between them, trying to form a barrier between her mind and the environment, to block the stimuli she was going to be exposed to. He didn't exactly see how, but apparently it worked as if their minds were connected vessels. He would have to examine them both, run some tests and do the calculations to see if there were any permanent effects. But for now, it was good enough to know Rose was alive.

She probably wouldn't have made it otherwise, he realised, and his hair stood on end.

The realisation came as a blow in his stomach. Whatever it was that saved her, it was not his actions. He had put her life in danger _again_, just because he could not imagine parting with her. He should have simply told her to stay on Gallifrey, give her a reason to stay, even lied to keep her there, instead of the whole not-deciding-for-you nonsense. She would be safe there.

A wave of overwhelming nausea nearly made him drop Rose. He stopped, trying to get his own body under control. He was more and more tired, and he had not yet reached the door leading out of the console room. Was the TARDIS playing tricks on him, placing the door further than they should be, or was he really _that_ exhausted?

She was safe, though. Rose was safe, and she was with him. He only needed to take her to the medbay, to make sure she was taken care of.

His head swam, his vision blurred, and he stumbled over the grating, trying to make out which corridor led to the medbay.

He needed to carry Rose... to the medbay... She just seemed so heavy. So heavy…

He knelt down, struggling to keep his eyes open. Then he put Rose gently on the floor. Just for a second. Just to catch his breath.

He dropped heavily onto the floor by her side.

* * *

A feeling of anxiety crept into his unconscious mind, igniting something in his synapses. For a moment his brain fought against that new sensation, trying to suppress it and proceed with the healing process, but it wouldn't go away. It was persistent.

He woke up feeling something was terribly wrong. The pain was gone and he was able to think clearly again.

Rose...

He jumped to his feet with a curse. The numbness of time sense he had experienced back on Gallifrey was gone, and he knew exactly how much time had passed - too much.

Rose was lying on the floor, her face a pale greyish hue, her body twitching in spasms. She looked like a person drowning or suffocating, or choking on something. She was holding her throat with both of her hands. With the spasms getting weaker and less frequent, the Doctor felt a horrible fear squeeze his heart.

He grabbed Rose by the shoulders with a face of a madman, and forced her head down, hitting her on the back to make her cough. She was limp as a puppet and didn't make a noise, which only seemed to infuriate him. He held her firmly from behind, and murmuring to the TARDIS to check Rose's respiratory system for foreign objects, he let her body lean over and thrust his fist against her stomach. This should help her get rid of whatever was blocking her airway. There was no response from her body. It was still limp and motionless, and his heart sank. He hit again, at the same time trying to connect to her mentally.

She was still there, a shade of her normal self, sliding out of his grasp. His hearts almost stopped.

He desperately held on to what remained of her presence, trying to keep her from disappearing, using his thoughts, while his fist kept hitting her in the stomach at a regular pace, until finally she shivered and coughed weakly.

Only then did he realise that there had been no reaction from the TARDIS. The ship was quiet, and the lighting subdued to the minimum. She was in a sort of healing trance, too. Which meant not all rooms were accessible. Which meant that the medbay…

He laid Rose gently on floor, his eyes glued to her face. He took a deep breath, kept it in his lungs for a moment, focusing on the oxygen content. Then he pressed his lips against hers and gave her a passionate kiss, pushing the air into her lungs. Another shiver went over her body and her chest moved up ever so slightly as she drew a wispy breath.

A few more carefully measured doses of oxygen, a few more breaths, and the ghastly greyish hue receded, giving way to the lightest shade of pink. She was cold to touch, not the usual temperature for a human, and her body trembled, so he took off his jacket, using it as a blanket. He held Rose in his arms, focusing on raising his own body temperature to warm her up, and making sure she continued breathing.

His Rose. It had been very close. He had nearly got her killed.

His face hidden in her hair, he whispered words of comfort and affection into her ear, everything he had always wanted to tell her, everything he had told her in his human life but never as a Time Lord. She would not remember any of it when she woke up, and even if she did, she wouldn't understand because for some reason he spoke Gallifreyan. Words simply kept pouring out of his mouth, unrestrained, only broken by gentle kisses he planted on her hair.

When he was sure her breathing and pulse were stable, and her body warm again, he looked around to locate the exit, and opened his mouth startled. He was sitting right at the medbay door. The lights of the TARDIS were still low but when he sent the ship a thankful thought, he felt her consciousness brush against his mind softly. She was incredible. She took him home when he thought he would never see home again. Then she heard him call for help and found a way to trick the time barriers to get them both out. Even now, barely able to fly, with most systems switched off, she was trying to take care of them. _Best ship in the universe, ever._ he thought. She nudged against his mind like a cat.

Watching the busy golden cloud take care of Rose's bruises, the Doctor realised all his muscles were constricted and he felt like he was frozen inside. It had been close. Too close, and he could still feel overwhelming sickness when he thought about it. It was ridiculous for a Time Lord to feel sick, but for a moment all his life was hanging by a thread. Not his physical life, but everything that gave meaning to his life. He had nearly killed them both, his Rose and his TARDIS.

It could have been the side effect of being reunited with his part-human meta-crisis version that made him so vulnerable, or perhaps the impact of the uncontrolled bumps in and out of the void on his neural connections, or quite simply the fact that he had found Gallifrey had shaken him so much. Whichever the case, no matter how he tried, he simply wasn't able to take his mind off that one thought: it had been too close. Way too close. He had nearly killed Rose because he wouldn't let her go. He had nearly lost her because he wasn't ready to lose her.

He really needed to get a grasp of himself, and at least _pretend_ everything was all right.


	11. Black Despair

**FOREVER: COLOURS OF ETERNITY**

* * *

_Down once more to the dungeon of my black despair..._  
_Down we plunge to the prison of my mind..._  
_Down that path into darkness deep as hell!_

_**"Down once more" **(from "Phantom in the Opera")_

* * *

**BLACK DESPAIR**

Rose's body ached terribly and her head was swimming when she woke up, but as soon as her vision focused, the Doctor's happy smile made everything better. They had made it then. Both in the same place and in the same time. She didn't really need to know any more. She smiled and he mirrored her expression with a wide grin.

Then, in a flash of memory, she remembered his last thought on Mount Eternity. Or had she dreamt it? All she remembered felt like a surreal, incoherent dream. She knew that her Doctor, her Time Lord Doctor, would have never said it. There was no way Mount Eternity could exist. Gallifrey had burnt long ago. And the Guardian…

The Guardian, Rose realised with a shiver, felt real. Very real, almost as if she was still present. Perhaps in a way she was. After all, she had wanted to leave the Doctor a message in Rose's mind. She said…

'She said she was fine,' Rose mumbled, unaware that her voice was hardly audible. 'She said... something… 'bout the blessing'.

'We're okay, Rose,' the Doctor replied, holding her hand. 'We made it! Out of the void. Back in our old universe. You'll feel better soon. Your body is in perfect health now but the cells still remember and that's why it's so painful,' he explained.

'Doctor? She said...'

'I can try to make it better if you let me. No medications, just pressing a few buttons in your brain to ease the pain…'

Was he trying to avoid the subject?

'Doctor… the Guardian, she asked me…'

'Hush, Rose… You need some rest now! So does the TARDIS. The old girl nearly died trying to get us out of there. She's repairing some of the circuits now, but I'll need to help her a bit, and then we go to recharge her batteries. I thought we might make a stop in Cardiff…' he looked at Rose intensely, '…but then again, maybe we should go somewhere quiet instead. Not necessarily Earth.'

'But Doctor, she said…'

'Yeah, right. We'll talk about it all later. Now, get some rest, Rose.'

His voice sounded dismissive, almost cold, and Rose understood he really wouldn't talk about it. She was too exhausted to insist. They had been through a lot and it was no wonder he needed time to adjust. Still, Rose was determined to relay the Guardian's message to the Doctor. If he was not in the mood to listen, she would tell him later. After she had had some rest. Because he was right, with her whole body aching, she definitely needed that.

But when she woke a few hours later from a long-needed refreshing sleep, he still would not talk about it.

Not that day. Not the next day either.

He didn't talk much at all. He even seemed to be avoiding her, looking away casually whenever their eyes met. He replied with monosyllables whenever she asked him a question.

Rose's frustration grew.

He was busy repairing the TARDIS, or so he said. Rose was worried about the ship herself: the TARDIS was unusually quiet; there was almost no sound from the engines, and the lighting was dimmed. Rose spent hours in the console room, stroking the walls and trying to get used to the new look of the ship, so different from what she remembered from the old days.

Still, it didn't quite explain the Doctor's behaviour.

Worst of all was that there seemed to be a wall between them which had not been there before.

She could guess what the matter was. Back there, he had chosen her over his entire planet, and now he regretted it. She could understand that. She imagined being faced with a choice: saving the Doctor or saving the Earth, and she only knew she would never ever want to have to make such a choice. But somewhere deep in her heart she expected he would at least tell her, talk her through it, and reassure her. He didn't. He was suddenly like a closed book. The feeling of closeness, of seeing right through him, was gone.

Maybe it was never there?

She kept thinking about him as 'her Doctor' but was he really? Nineteen hundred years could have made him an entirely different person. Even the nineteen years she spent with his human version in Pete's world couldn't change that.

He was probably having second thoughts after saying things to her on Gallifrey. She remembered thinking it was their last moment together. She wasn't sure whose thought it was, her own or his, but if it was hers, then he must have felt it and decided to give her a farewell gift. Now that he knew she was going to be okay, he probably wished he could take these words back.

He had left breakfast for her on the bedside table, but even though she was very hungry, her stomach was cramped and she decided she needed to talk to him first.

He was not in the console room, so she set out to find his bedroom. She knew his bedroom was his hideout and the TARDIS would normally protect him from being found, but the TARDIS was still recovering. Besides, Rose didn't care: the whole situation was unbearable and she wanted to understand it even at the risk of invading the Doctor's privacy. She needed to hear whatever it was he was holding back from her, no matter how unpleasant it could be. She was grown up, she had no one in this world, except for him, and she needed to know where she was.

Surprisingly, as soon as she made the decision, a line of faint lights appeared under her feet, leading her into the corridor and stopping at an inconspicuous door nearby. She would have missed it if the lights didn't point to it. Rose pressed her cheek against the wall, whispering a thank you to the TARDIS for her unexpected help. She was under impression that there was a reply from the ship but she wasn't able to make out the meaning. Lights died down and Rose was left in a complete darkness.

She knocked but there was no answer.

For a few moments she stood there waiting, suddenly very afraid and unsure. She wasn't quite ready for the bad news.

It seemed only this morning that he had asked her to travel with him again, like in the old days, and promised never to let her go. She had been over the moon. Now he wouldn't even talk to her. And it wasn't even her fault; it just happened to them, and it tore the bond that was beginning to form.

Then the door opened a little - just enough for her to slip inside. No door ever opened on the TARDIS unless the Doctor, or the TARDIS herself, intended it to open. Rose gulped nervously.

It was the first time she had ever seen the room but she only spared it a glimpse.

It was smaller than she thought it would be, filled from top to bottom with random pieces of furniture and loads of items. There were books, lots of books, and maps, and some old toys. There was even an ancient looking cradle, and a piece of broken machinery in the corner. A tiny lamp, looking like a flame enclosed in a crystal, gave out irregular subdued light. The flame inside the crystal danced, casting weird shadows on the walls.

The Doctor was sitting on his bed, his shoulders sagged, his gaze completely empty. Rose had expected a rebuke, or at least a reproachful gaze, but there was nothing. He didn't seem to have noticed her at all.

'Doctor?'

He didn't look up.

Rose sat shyly by his side, making up a speech in her mind, to explain how sorry she was and how she was a burden for him, and how she wished he had stayed to save his home planet and get it back to its regular time and place when he had a chance, when suddenly – before she even opened her mouth – the Doctor grabbed her hand violently.

She was shocked to see his haggard face. He looked very ill.

'No. I won't let that happen!'

For a moment Rose thought the Doctor was really talking to her, even though what he said made no sense, but when their eyes met, there was no recognition in his gaze. It remained blank, unseeing, as if she was not there at all. Yet, he didn't let her hand go, holding on to it desperately, and repeating in a raspy voice:

'No… please… no…'

She wondered if he was drunk, or drugged. His pupils were unusually wide and his body was shaking uncontrollably. But then she remembered he had told her once Time Lords were immune to alcohol. Even as a human he could drink much more than any person she knew.

It looked as though holding her hand calmed him a little because the shaking had almost stopped; but a moment later it returned twice as forceful. He let go of her hand, his eyes fixed on something that only he could see, his entire body rocking back and forth in a motion he clearly could not control.

'Doctor?' she whispered.

There was no sign that he had heard her, so she reached for his hand, trying to make him aware of her presence. He flinched at the sound of her voice but she thought this time she saw a momentary recognition in his eyes, clouded with fear and despair.

'Doctor?' she repeated, panic growing inside her stomach. Without the medical equipment and the diagnostic skills of the TARDIS, she wasn't sure what to do.

'Can you… hold me… for a moment?'

His voice was so low that Rose guessed the message rather than heard it.

She didn't ask. His pain was so obvious and so shameless that she didn't want answers; she only wanted to soothe him, take away the pain. She put her arms around him, helplessly wondering what she should do. She touched his forehead: it was covered with cold sweat, yet he seemed feverish. She took off his jacket; the shirt underneath was soaked with sweat and she wondered how long he had been sitting here.

He let her undress him, passive as a puppet. She made him lie down on the bed, and lying by his side cuddled him like a baby. She could feel his entire body shiver and spasm as he clung to her. His eyes were glassy and unfocused.

'Doctor! Please, what can I do? What's going on?' she whispered.

'Just… hold me…' came his muffled reply.

He panted heavily, gasping for breath. The moan that came out of his mouth was more like a howl or wail – long, desperate and scary. He squeezed her arm, his nails digging into her skin painfully. It hurt but it was evident he was only trying to withstand his own pain, so she didn't move.

He had asked her not to let him go and she didn't intend to. He looked very ill but it was worse than that. Something was happening to him, torturing his mind and his body. Back in Pete's world, when he had bad dreams, which happened quite a lot, she learnt to soothe him and make them go away just by being close to him. It probably wouldn't work the same way with his Time Lord self, but it didn't hurt to try. She undid her buttons so that they could really feel the physical closeness, skin to skin. She kissed him gently on the cheek and saw his half-closed eyes well up with tears.

And then - with no warning - she was flooded with horrifying images. It was like being thrown into deep icy water. She gasped but didn't let him go.

They were not just images. She was standing all alone and watched things happening around her. She was in a battlefield, a damp boggy field, where soldiers ran by, shooting at the enemy, bombs and grenades exploded around, and naked hands rose from the bog, each palm with a single eye watching out for prey. She felt the hands drag her down and she couldn't fight them. And then, the pistol, or was it a blaster, aimed directly at her by an angry old man… no, no, she was pointing it at a boy standing among those eerie hands… and there was no way back… just death… Then everything exploded into a chaos of flames and screams, it was a city, a huge city destroyed by a raging war. They were running scared, adults and children, among falling bombs. The defences were down. Soon the planet would die and the universe with it. Screams of children pierced her ears but it felt more like physical stabs. The choice… The choice was right but the feeling of hopelessness and loneliness prevailed. The only way was to fry everything and everyone on Earth. Too difficult. A moment of weakness, followed by continents disappearing from the monitors. Millions of people dying, and an innocent trusting girl in front of the screen, and an innocent trusting girl sent back home, made safe by the centuries that now separate them, all blended into one…

It took her a moment to understand it was the Doctor's thoughts and emotions overflowing, spilling around, for he could no longer hold them within himself. She was flooded with his most agonizing memories, his darkest fears, his worst defeats, and they were like an ocean, taking everything with it.

Deaths. Horrible deaths. On so many planets. The screams of people dying, looking up to him for help, people he knew and cared for. The spaceship exploded, with a young boy on board. So young... A head full of curls hidden under the helmet, gone, forever. A distorted, predatory face of a statue leaning over a gravestone. A nameless soldier, looking up to him for rescue, shattered into particles.

Everybody was important.

Rose held on to her consciousness, trying to remember it was only happening in her mind. She hugged the Doctor as best she could but she was losing ground under her feet. She saw white and black spots before her eyes and knew she was fainting. The pain, the horror - it was not his anymore, it was all hers. She was there, inside him. She was drowning. Each face, each cry pierced through her heart. As if the borders between her mind and their minds were blurred, as if she was both _them _and _him_.

And then, on top of everything, the cry of the one that mattered more than millions, falling into the void. Burning inside. Dying. The feeling of being torn into pierces alive.

Holding the Doctor in her embrace, and trying not to let him go, Rose sank into the quiet dark chasm that opened right under her feet.


	12. The Colours of Our Fears

**COLOURS OF ETERNITY**

* * *

_There are those who fail, there are those who fall  
There are those who will never win  
Then there are those who fight for the things they believe  
And these are men like you and me_

_In my dream we walked, you and I to the shore  
Leaving footprints by the sea  
And when there was just one set of prints in the sand  
That was when you carried me_

„_**Snows of New York**__" Chris de Burgh_

* * *

**THE COLOURS OF OUR FEARS**

At first, the whole world seemed to whirl around her, and strong light piercing into her brain added pain to the dizziness. She kept her eyes closed, afraid it would hurt even more if she dared to look. Then, after a while, the whirling motion slowed down and the light subsided. She tried to figure out where she was but her mind was strangely numb. Not only her mind, actually: her eyelids were heavy and wouldn't move, and her entire face felt somehow detached from her body.

It took her some time to shift her eyelids up just enough to get an idea of the surroundings, and even more to realize that the unfamiliar place she saw was the room she had walked into last night: the Doctor's hideaway. With that realization, the recent events came back to her, forcing a heavy sigh out of her mouth.

Even now, when she was no longer in the midst of the horrors, the very thought made her feel sick. It was not really about what she had _seen _but about what she had _felt _and what she was still feeling when her mind recalled the dreadful sickness didn't come from her body; it was her mind that was trying to vent its fear and shock in the only way it could. Somehow, even though her mind felt numb, she was able to tell the difference quite clearly.

Still, she found the whole situation annoying. Now that she was not entirely sure what had happened and how the Doctor was, lying sick and helpless was the last thing she needed. She made an effort to overcome the weakness and focus on here and now.

One thing was certain: she was in the Doctor's bed, propped up against his pillow and tucked under his blanket. For some unexplained reason she was also wearing his shirt. She couldn't turn her head but with a corner of her eye she registered the Doctor's figure curled at the side of the bed. Seated on the floor, he rested his head against the pillow next to her and he was snoring lightly. That was a relief. There was no way he could be comfortable in that position but at least he was asleep, and it looked like the nightmares no longer haunted him.

She wondered briefly if she had ever seen him, his Time Lord self that is, asleep before. She had, but these were rare occasions, and it all seemed ages ago now. This, however, this was a new face. What would he look like in his sleep? Tense or quiet? Peaceful or angry? She tried to shift into a better position to see him, forgetting that a few seconds before her body refused to move altogether. Surprisingly, this time it almost worked: she was able to turn her head and look straight at the Doctor's face.

The moment she moved, he woke up from the light sleep and their eyes met.

Tenderness followed by some indescribable sadness and dejection flashed through his face momentarily but he got them under control almost immediately. He took on, somewhat unconvincingly, a casual expression she couldn't really read. It was intended to be friendly and light-hearted, she guessed, but like a mask put on hastily, it simply looked fake. He must have been so genuinely frightened or worried that he wasn't even able to hide his emotions.

She smiled faintly with her eyes and corners of her lips. It was all she could do: her face was still unresponsive. The moment she did, the mask on the Doctor's face dissolved into a mix of relief and deep shame.

'Rose! I didn't mean to hurt you,' he spoke feverishly, grasping her hand. 'I didn't know, didn't realize it was so strong. I'm so sorry! Should have known better than that. I'm...'

She tried to open her mouth but again her face would not obey her. She flinched. What if she was paralysed? But how? He must have seen the panic in her eyes because he squeezed her hand reassuringly.

'It'll go away soon. The numbness and all, I mean. It's just a precaution. You know, to keep your brain safe. Didn't have much of a choice here, the TARDIS is not yet well and the diagnostics wouldn't work, so I just needed to block your neural connections. It'll wear off soon but you're gonna have a hell of a headache later on,' he explained.

He was right. The feeling was a bit similar to that of an anaesthetic wearing off after having your tooth taken out, she decided. Her face was already getting back to normal and she had begun to feel a pulsating ache in her temples and forehead. Finally able to move her head, she looked around slowly. She spotted her blouse thrown over the chair, stained with blood. Blood? That didn't quite make sense: the images she had seen were not real, they could not hurt her.

At the memory of the images, a sharp pain pierced her head like a needle. Instinctively, she reached to touch her face and discovered her nose was bleeding. But how? She looked at the Doctor to examine his face for any traces of physical damage but the only thing that was obvious was that he was tired.

His eyes were clouded with suppressed fury, and she thought he was going to blame her for being irresponsible. He opened his mouth, but then he only swallowed and said nothing. Instead, she felt something cold placed on her forehead, an icepack probably. He _was_ angry but not with her; he blamed himself for the incident. Of course he would. Those were _his _nightmares and it didn't really matter how or why she had got hurt.

He touched her cheek and her hair hesitantly, and played with her blonde lock for a moment, looking at it intently, as if it was much more than just hair.

'I'm sorry, Rose. I'm so sorry. It's gonna be okay. You'll forget all the nightmares.'

There was some finality in his tone that that made Rose's heart freeze. It felt like he was trying to memorize her face and hair before saying goodbye. Then he reached for her temple. She wasn't sure why but the gesture felt menacing. She stopped his hand firmly, telling him to explain what he meant. Or actually, she intended to tell him, but she only managed to mutter something indistinctly.

It was enough to draw his attention though.

'Shhhh, Rose. Don't talk. Just rest. It will be fine. You'll forget all you've seen, like a bad dream.'

'Doctor?'

'I'm here, Rose.'

'Were you going to, um, _can _you wipe my memory?'

He hesitated, registering fear in her voice. Then he nodded.

'You never told me you could.'

'It never came up, I suppose. It's not really something I like doing but sometimes... sometimes it's the best way to protect people. On Satellite Five, when you came back for me... And Donna, too...' he added, somewhat incoherently. 'You asked me about Donna when we met...,' he trailed off. Then he cleared his throat. 'Doesn't matter now. I was just saying, you were not supposed to see it, to be inside of it, and I want to make it right, Rose. Will you let me? You'll just forget it all, okay?'

'No way!'

'I mean, the bad things. The nightmares,' he clarified quickly, guessing the reason for her fierce protests. 'I didn't mean... I would never... Oh, Rose, did you think I could...?'

He wouldn't finish, seeking the answer in her eyes. But no answer came. Instead, there was a question.

'Did you kill that boy, Doctor?'

He stared at her, unsure what she was talking about. Then it dawned on him and his face darkened.

'Oh. The boy,' his jaw clenched. 'No, I didn't kill him. I wanted to, but I took him out of there instead. Still not sure it was the right choice though,' he said bitterly. And seeing another unasked question in her eyes, he explained. 'Creator of the Daleks. That's what he grew to be. I saved him to save someone who was very dear to me. But when I think of the millions of lives that were lost because he lived, everything gets blurred and I don't know right from wrong anymore.'

Rose touched his hand awkwardly.

'S'okay, Doctor. S'just when I saw you aiming at him, I was like, um, I was really scared. Never felt that way before. I hated him, I really hated him, and I was scared of that hate, and then I had the gun in my hand, and then I realised it was not me, it was you all along. I couldn't really picture my Doctor killing a little boy.'

'Rose, there are so many things you've never seen me do. I did them. Some things I had to do, other just happened. If you knew, you would never call me that again.'

The walls of his mind were still impenetrable, but having plunged into the Doctor's nightmares Rose realised she knew and understood more about him than ever before. There were places in his mind he had never revealed to her. It was horrible to remember and she wondered how he was ever able to withstand the burden. She doubted she would ever manage to forget it even if she tried. She wasn't going to. The pain was part of him just as much as joy and excitement were. She only wished she could make the difference somehow.

'Did it… Does it happen often? I mean the nightmares,' she murmured. Thinking about the visions made her feel considerably worse. It was a rather strange sensation, though: as if her mind was so overwhelmed that it tried to rebel and shut down the neural connections. Things around became hazy and unclear again and speaking aloud seemed difficult.

The Doctor looked at her, alarmed.

'Rose?'

'M'okay,' she whispered. 'Does it happen often?'

'No, not at all! Well, once or twice. It… does happen… sometimes…' he admitted at length, ashamed and humiliated. 'I can usually handle stuff, you know, but sometimes my mind overloads and goes off like that. It sort of relives the worst things, not in a dream but as if it was for real again, all at once, mixed up and twisted. I never thought it could... I mean, sometimes when it happened humans would complain about not sleeping well. But never like this! I should have guessed after we linked telepathically your mind would be open and vulnerable. If you just let me make it right.'

'Did it at least help a little? Did it help that I was with you?'

As she was saying the words she realised how naive it was of her to believe she could help him through such agony. Compared to what he had to deal with, she felt small and inadequate. And having spent with him – a part of him, maybe, but it still counted – pretty much half of her life she suspected that even if she _could_ help in any way, he would never tell her the truth. He would rather protect her than see her hurt. It made no sense to ask.

'It did,' came a shy whisper. 'You took my hand and walked with me through my hell. I was not alone. Never thought before there could be hope in hell.'

He wiped the tears off her eyes (_Tears? What tears? She wasn't crying!)_, unintentionally smearing blood on her cheek. With this gesture, the feeling closeness she had been missing so much was suddenly back.

'You daft alien!' she whispered with effort. 'You know I can be there for you but you just won't let me 'cos you think you wouldn't be my Doctor anymore?'

'No, Rose. That's not why. Have you counted? How long since you and I came back from Pete's world? A few days in your timeline. How many times have you almost died since then? First, you blew yourself into space because of me...'

'Not because of you, silly! The universe was collapsing!' she managed to break in but there was some darkness in his gaze when he looked at her that made her shiver.

'So you almost died in the blast. Then you were nearly consumed by the heart of the TARDIS and that was because of me, too.'

'Uh, stop it! I didn't die! It wasn't even close! She was gentle, the TARDIS was, like she knew how to handle it.'

'You could have died! You have no idea what the vortex energy can do to your cells, Rose. And then, you fell into the void.'

'That was the TARDIS malfunctioning, not your fault!'

'Don't know what it was. It shouldn't have happened. The TARDIS practically kicked you into the void, you survived and got into the place that is basically untraceable and time-locked. Then you decided to return with me, and you almost died. I knew it could happen and I just let you do it... And then my nightmares practically fried your brain. Your synapses started bursting.'

He seemed quiet as he spoke, he didn't even raise his voice but Rose could hear the emotions pouring out of him with a force of a tornado, hidden behind each word. She let him speak. There were thousands of things she wanted to tell him but for now she just let him speak.

'Me, always putting you in danger and always saving you. Until that one time when I fail. Rose, I've seen people die. They died because they were with me, or because they wanted to save me, or because they believed I could save them from anything. People who really mattered to me. It's bad when it happens, Rose, and it can be ugly. Sometimes there's revenge and everything burns. Sometimes there isn't, and then everything just burns inside me. But if one day this someone happens to be my Rose, I... I don't know... I don't even want to imagine... I almost saw you die when we escaped from the time loop on my planet. There was moment I thought... I thought... I swore I would never ever let it happen again. And then I nearly killed you again because I was having nightmares!'

'Oh, Doctor... Did you ever think that if it hadn't been for you, I would have been long dead anyway? Found dead in the basement of a store that exploded in London in 2005. And many times after...'

He shook his head.

'None of it would have ever happened if it hadn't been for me, Rose. And in that store, it was you who saved my life. I just... I don't think I ever thanked you, did I?'

'Not with words, no. But you were there for me, Doctor. I told you it was better with two. Let me be there for you, Doctor. Teach me to protect my brain, and if your living nightmares come again, I'll be prepared, and we face them together. What do you say?'

'You don't get it, Rose,' his voice sounded tired and a bit impatient. 'I don't want to see you die just because you're with me... I _can't, _just can't...' he continued a little softer.

'So? What would you have instead? Erase my memory? How is that supposed to help either of us, eh?'

He met her eyes and this time there was no mask. Just pure truth that made Rose shiver.

'You're right, it can't. Well, other than make your headache go away for good and ease my conscience for a moment. It's just that I see no way out, Rose. I can't take it off my mind since we came back and I just don't see it... I've always been a coward, but this, this is just too much.'

'So you'd rather run, like you always did,' she broke in.

The Doctor gasped and went silent. She couldn't be sure but for a brief moment she saw panic in his eyes. He flinched.

'Rose, I... ' he trailed off.

She waited but he never finished the sentence. His gaze was vacant. She was the one that had to break the silence.

'S'okay, Doctor,' she whispered. 'If you'd rather run, I won't be chasing you anymore. I don't want to make it any harder for you than it already is. Just... drop me off somewhere nice, will you? Not Earth, maybe, 'cos I'm officially dead here and everyone's in Pete's world anyway, but some place similar? Give me a story, so I can just live there and no one asks questions.'

He gaped at her but his face remained expressionless. A mask, again. Was he sad or relieved? She couldn't tell. Surprised, most likely. She herself had never expected their story to end like that. But then again, there were so many things in her life she had not expected before they happened that she should have gotten used to it by now.

Not that it made it any easier.

'I still mean what I said to you, Doctor, you know, in Bad Wolf Bay,' she added softly, 'and I won't forget. You can still come to visit. If you want to check on me, or you have nightmares, or just want to have a chat or a cuppa, s'okay. I'll be there. Just get your timing right, we don't live long, you know. Wouldn't want you to miss me.'

'Rose...'

'Don't worry, Doctor, I'm not angry or anything. Just done chasing you, that's all. It's just... I can't _make_ you believe in us when you don't...'


	13. The Colour of Home

**FOREVER: COLOURS OF ETERNITY**

* * *

_Where your love is, put your heart, guard these moments well,__  
__Where your dreams are, put your hopes, you know they will not fail you,__  
__When the sun rises in the morning, you will wake up and find her yawning,__  
__When the wind blows strong and cold, she'll be with you until you grow old,__  
__Where your love is, put your heart, oh what would you do if your dreams came true?_

„_**Satin Green Shutters**" (Chris de Burgh)_

* * *

**THE COLOUR OF HOME**

_Drop me off somewhere nice_, she said.

A simple sentence in English, nothing that would require superior skills to understand. He wasn't sure why it took him so long to process it. He turned it over and over in his mind in an attempt to find the hidden meaning. For a split moment he thought something was wrong with his mental faculties, then he decided it was actually the sentence that was wrong. He searched for it but couldn't find it. He analysed the grammar, the pronunciation, the vocabulary used, even delved into the etymology of words. It all fit, and yet something was horribly wrong with it.

_Drop me off somewhere nice._

He looked up at her ready to ask her about the meaning of the gibberish and met her eyes. Hazel with golden veins. Blinking away the tears. Rose's eyes.

But Rose would never say anything like that. That was what was wrong. Rose would never want to leave! Not after the human life – his human life - they had spent together. He shivered inside, the memories taking him to the very first moments in Pete's world. Her hand in his, learning the human ways and failing miserably. And Rose, always by his side.

Now she wanted to leave.

It was reasonable.

She would be safe. He had thought about it himself. Wished he had left her on Gallifrey.

No! That was different, he argued with himself. That was just _thinking_, trying to come to terms with her nearly getting killed. But Rose saying it, Rose actually _wanting_ it was something that his mind wouldn't even process.

Absorbed in his thoughts, he suddenly realized she kept talking to him but he still remained fixed on that one sentence. _Just drop me off somewhere nice. _A funny feeling, of suddenly being very far from everything, behind soundproof glass. His superior Time Lord senses were not able to catch any sound. It was all quiet around him.

He was quiet inside. Empty.

He saw her repeat the sentence – he was quite good at lip reading – and guessed it was his turn to say something.

Say something?

Was there anything to be said?

'Rose...'

She smiled softly through the tears and said something he didn't really hear. Maybe he was wrong after all. That could not be a goodbye, not with that smile. He must have got it wrong.

... _can't make you believe in us_...

_... just drop me off..._

He hoped his voice would not betray him.

'Is that… is that what you want, Rose?'

It was reasonable. It made sense. There was no reason to get emotional over it or to argue with it. No reason at all.

Yet his throat was clenched when he asked. He cursed silently and tried to steady his breath.

... _can't make you believe ..._

No reason to get emotional. It was what Rose wanted. It made sense. She would be safe on her own. He would watch over her from afar.

_But that's all wrong! That's wrong! I believe… I've always believed in you… It's just…_

'I'll do it, Rose. Drop you off wherever you like. Find you a place where no one will bother you or ask questions.'

This time it sounded stronger and louder. Until the next sentence. He hadn't intended to say anything else. That was it. Nothing more to say. It just slipped from his mouth.

'But I need to know that is what you really want. Is it, Rose?'

There was no answer for a long while.

The longer he waited, the less sure he was he wanted to hear it. Once said, it would be final. Torn between wanting to know and wanting to hope, he counted hundredths of seconds as they passed. Each felt like eternity. And each weighed like one.

For a moment he was tempted to look into Rose's mind to find out, without having to hear it, but the idea was abhorrent to him. Rose had once made it clear that she did not want anyone to look into her head uninvited. She trusted him. How could he even think of such a thing?

Then he saw her smile. It was not really a smile. More like a heart-breaking attempt to smile and to look happy.

'Could think of a few other things I'd rather do,' she admitted. 'But sometimes you just have to let go,' she continued in a low voice. 'Can't always have what you want and I still got more than I ever hoped for. My nine hundred years old alien showed me all of time and space, and then lived a human life by my side. It doesn't get any better, does it? We had a good life together, Doctor. Isn't that what you wanted for me?'

… _Can't always have what you want …_

… _You just have to let go…_

… _Can't make you believe in us…_

No, that was wrong. All wrong. He wanted to shout but he only managed a raspy whisper.

'Rose... What are... what would be... those _other_ things you'd rather do?'

She blinked, still smiling.

'Oh, don't get me started on that! I can't have them anyway, do I have to talk about it?'

Not the first time that day he found couldn't control his racing thoughts. He had been proud of his intellectual powers, and being able to analyse multiple problems at once but this was different. Nothing to analyse, just hundreds of thoughts, ideas, images, emotions coming at him, all at once.

… _a few other things I'd rather do …_

… _can't make you believe in us…_

… _how long are you going to stay with me? Forever!_

… _sometimes you just have to let go…_

Could this be a symptom of another nightmare episode coming? His mind and his body did not work as they should. That was clear. But the episodes never came that close together; at their worst they would separated by weeks. Still, it might be wiser to drop Rose off as soon as possible, just in case, to make sure she does not suffer again.

But it was all wrong.

'I thought you were scared of me,' he said rather incoherently, grasping one of the thoughts that were storming through his head 'The real me in those nightmares.'

'Why would I be scared?' she sounded genuinely surprised.

'You asked me about the boy. You felt what I felt.'

'I was worried about you. I asked you because, um, because I wasn't sure how worried I should be.'

… _we had a good life together, Doctor…_

… _it's better with two…_

… _can't make you believe in us…_

'Rose...'

'Shhh Doctor... Don't say anything. S'already sad as it is, you say one more thing and I start crying, and you're gonna have a proper flood in the TARDIS. Just need some sleep, and then you drop me off some place nice, okay?'

'You _are_ crying, Rose,' he said quietly. His hand went up to her cheek, his finger slowly traced the path of the tear to where it fell, leaving a glistening trail.

She was crying. How many times had he made her cry? Why did he _always_ hurt her? She was his Rose. There was no one like her. His vision blurred.

… _how long are you going to stay with me? Forever!_

* * *

Rose was never quite clear about how she suddenly found herself in the Doctor's arms. It all seemed all fuzzy and inconsistent. One moment she was in his bed, desperately trying to smile and show him it was okay; it took some effort but overall she thought she was doing quite well; then she saw he was crying, too; and he suddenly jumped to his feet trying to lift her in his arms; she wondered what he was doing but her exhausted body gave her no chance to react; he staggered as if she was too heavy; the next moment they were sitting on the floor. He was holding her tight, his face in her hair, saying nothing, but not letting her go.

Funny how she still felt safe in his embrace, even now.

'You don't need to tell me if you don't want to, Rose.'

Maybe if she wasn't that tired, she would. But the stress of the last few hours, combined with whatever his nightmares apparently did to her brain was beginning to take its toll. Her eyelids were swollen and heavy.

'But I thought,' he went on, 'that maybe you don't mind if I tell you? I have such things, too. The _other _things that I would rather do. They are just... so much bigger than anything I understand that it makes me scared.'

He rocked her gently, holding her hands firmly in his. His voice hitched as he spoke.

'It will probably sound like a lot of nonsense but there's this place on Gallifrey... and if I could do what I really wanted, I would take you there. Because it's... it's just right that I should take you there... I'm not making sense, am I? It's called Eternity, and rightly so.'

He fell silent for a moment, distracted or looking into his memories. Rose wiped her eyes with a sleeve of the shirt she was wearing, his shirt, she suddenly remembered, just as she would wear his shirts in Pete's world sometimes. Fighting another wave of tears, she watched the Doctor somewhat alarmed. He sounded confused, even disoriented.

Maybe she shouldn't…

Maybe she could stay a bit longer, make sure he was all right.

'I know, Doctor,' she murmured 'Mount Eternity. The Guardian told me about it. That's where we both ended up when ... You don't remember?'

'She did? I didn't think she would… Oh, she knows all about it! More than she would share, I suppose. Did she mention… Nah… Did you see the suns, Rose?'

'I did, Doctor.'

'There are two of them.'

'I know. It's better with two,' she smiled cheekily through the tears.

'Yeah, maybe that's why,' he agreed with a hoarse voice. 'Maybe it's not just physics and vectors and figures. Maybe there's more underneath the structure of the universe. Something bigger and more powerful. I… I wouldn't mind it.'

For a moment he stared into the distance with an empty gaze. She was sure in his mind he was back on Gallifrey, remembering the two suns, perhaps remembering the Guardian. Then he was suddenly back. She saw his eyes fixed on her with an intensity she had only seen once or twice before.

'If I could do what I really want, I'd take you to Mount Eternity. And with the two suns shining on us, or the two moons, there are also two of them, did I ever tell you? I'd probably find the courage... I hope I would... not much courage here, I've always been a coward, always running... But maybe I'd be brave enough to tell you… to give you... everything that I've always wanted to give you. Every moment of my timeline. Every life that I've had and that I will yet have. Every time and place that's meant to be ours. You know, just everything. Because you're my...' he hesitated. 'Well, my only one, um... my chosen one... I… I don't think there's a word for it in human language, but that's basically what it means.'

Rose gaped at him, listening to the soft and alien-sounding word he pronounced.

He couldn't be saying it, not him.

She was certain she was dreaming. But it felt so beautiful that she wanted to believe it. For just a moment, before she woke up. She was actually becoming more dizzy with every word he said. He was right, she needed rest, and a lot of it. The dream though. It would surely end if she gave in to the overwhelming sleepiness.

'And I would ask you if your heart... um... if you might... perhaps... want to give me everything you have in return.'

'Doctor...'

He shook his head as if in an inner argument with himself.

'We're not on Gallifrey though, not sure we ever will. Maybe someday but you've seen how dangerous it can be. My people are not exactly like I want to remember them. They are kind of difficult. And I didn't always make them proud. I'm a criminal for many. So there's not much point waiting until we can go there together.'

She looked at him sleepily.

'You're asking me to drop you off, and yes, Rose, I can do it, and I _will_ do it if that's what you want. But I thought that maybe,' (_there it was again, his hitching voice_) 'um, maybe there are _other_ things you would rather do... and maybe... we could, you know, have some fair deal about it, like... my everything for your everything? My forever for yours? Rose, could you... would you...?' at that, he stumbled and couldn't speak any more.

'Doctor?' asked Rose in a voice choked with emotion and tears, and her mind suddenly fully awake. 'Have you just...? Are you saying what I think you're saying?'

The Doctor regarded her for a moment.

'Rose Tyler, are you...will you... damn, I don't even know how to ask a question...' he laughed bitterly. 'Will you stay forever? Not just to travel with me, but to be what you really are, my Only One.'

There he was, saying the Gallifreyan word again. Rose felt a shiver go down her spine at the sound. She wasn't sure if it was in the word itself, or in the way the Doctor said it, that made it so powerful. But it couldn't be. She wasn't feeling well. Actually, she was downright exhausted and her brain was playing tricks on her. He couldn't mean it, not really. He was a Time Lord, she was human. He could see the gap between them, of course he did, so he couldn't…

'Doctor… are you asking me, um, like, to marry you?'

He gave her a smile. With that smile, her heart melted and the room around her spun.

'I suppose that's what it's called in some parts of the universe, yes. _W__ill _you marry me, Rose Tyler? Will you stay forever?'

She was dreaming, that was for sure. Her brain was making up visions in an attempt to somehow compensate for all the horrors she had seen. She didn't mind giving in to such dreams though. She hugged the Doctor and buried her face in his chest. Two hearts.

It all felt so sweet and unreal accompanied by his double heartbeat.

'Rose? Why... I mean, I didn't... Rose, please?'

His arms embraced her trembling body with renewed strength.

'Rose,' he whispered hectically, 'I promised I would follow you, so I did. I can't lose you. You are more important to me than the universes. I can't help it. I… I don't want to. I don't want it to stop…' then, looking into her face, he must have noticed she was on the verge of fainting from exhaustion, because he suddenly stopped talking. He gently cradled her in his arms. 'You don't have to say anything now. You need a lot of sleep now. Just… don't cry...!'

'M'not crying,' came a muffled reply.

Clearly false, because she was. She was also feeling drained, hurting, and very sleepy. And safe like never before.

'S'home,' she mumbled.

She remembered the Guardian asking her about it, and how difficult it was to find the answer when she had no memories. She wanted to share it with him but she could not fight her drowsiness any longer.

'M'home. With my Doctor...' she murmured as she was falling asleep. Or maybe she just thought it.

She was home and she wasn't going anywhere.

* * *

**TO BE CONTINUED****  
**


End file.
